The following has been gathered across the Internet and other sources. I do not claim to have authored any of the content, just to select , compose, and edit it. I entered the content here as an attempt at HUMOR only. The ideas expressed or implied are not necessarily mine, nor do I agree to all the content. As I said, It's supposed to be FUNNY. Have fun with the page, and if you find it entertaining, please recommed this site to a friend.

In life, you need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, duct it!

Everyone only seems normal until you get to know them.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

"Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind".

Never cut what you can untie.

Talk only if you can improve upon the silence.

It is best to remain silent and let one think you a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Belive those who seek the truth, doubt those who find it.

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. --Robert Frost

Don’t tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results. --George Patton

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.

The first step in getting out of a hole, is to stop digging

If you wish to glimpse inside a human soul and get to know a man, don't bother analyzing his ways of being silent, of talking, of weeping, of seeing how much he is moved by noble ideas; you will get better results if you just watch him laugh. If he laughs well, he's a good man. --Fyodor Dostoyevski

Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject

There are many things in life that will catch your eye, but only a few will catch your heart... pursue those.

Warning: Do Not Wash! This car is undergoing a scientific dirt test!

I break for tailgaters!

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT!

Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!

Keep honking, I'm reloading

A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Either you are living on the edge, or you are taking up too much space! - Stephen L. Dekat.....Thanks, Fire Hazzard!

Don't let your mind wander, for it may never come back.

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

I have nothing to say and I'm going to say it just once!

The issue isn't whether you're paranoid, it's whether you're paranoid enough.

I try to forget something new every day

You can find humor in anything if you're sick enough.

nothing right in my left brain...nothing left in my right brain

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

When no one else listens, talk to walls.

When the mind is thinking it is talking to itself.

You're just jealous that the voices talk to me.

I act this way to make you nuts!

Blow your mind -- smoke gun powder.

Never hit a man with glasses, hit him with a baseball bat.

The word "good" has many meanings. For example, If a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man --Chesterton

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of the oncoming train.

be creative - invent a perversion.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Just because your are not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

Evil spelled backwords is live.

solution to two of the worlds major problems: feed the homeless to the hungry

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

But what if I am a figment of my imagination?

Feel free to hurt my feelings... All you risk is my insane rage!

It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you!

I intend to live forever-- so far so good.

The voices in my head really like you.

I am weird, but around here it's not noticable.

Reality is a ficticious concept I find aesthetically pleasing.

If reality wants to reach me, it knows where I am.

I back the metric system every inch of the way!

I have one nerve left-- and now you're getting on it...

I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I'm on my last one.

Memory - the thing I forget with.

Never remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will have me as a member. -- Groucho Marx

Stop Repeat Offenders- Don't re-elect them!

The Trouble with political jokes is how often they get elected.

A politician is someone who will lay down your life for his country.

France has always been there when they needed us.

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss. Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.

To commit the perfect crime, you don't have to be intelligent, just in charge of the investigation that follows.

Fight crime, shoot back.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments--there are consequences.

If the law don't protect me, then it don't apply to me neither.

Forget impeachment... Get the rope.

You don't have to be mad to work here, but it helps.

In atomic war, all men will be creamated equal.

The worst part of winning a rat race is not that you win, it's that you are still a rat.

Murder is a crime.
Describing murder is not.
Sex is not a crime.
Describing sex is.
-- Greshon Legman

IRS-- We've got what it takes, to take what you've got!

Canadian - An unarmed American with healthcare

Guns don't kill people, it's those little holes.

99% of lawyers make the rest look bad.

Take a bite out of crime - shoot the bastard!

Don't believe everything you think.

If all else fails stop using all else

If you don't want to wash the dishes do 'em bad the first time.

If all else fails read the directions

Don't drink to drown your sorrow...Sorrow knows how to swim

Never test the depth of the water using both feet

Before giving anyone a piece of your mind, make sure you have enough to spare

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part of it shut!

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics

Tough times don't last, tough people do.">

Opportunity often slips by unrecognized, disguised as hard work

Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be

To admit you were wrong is to declare you are wiser now than before

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate

Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it

Not all who wander are lost

Imagination is more important than knowledge

The sure way to avoid work is to find a job you love

The quickest way to finish a task is to begin it

There's no shortcut to anywhere worth going

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

The best things in life are not things

To be great is to be misunderstood. -Emerson

Worrying about something that may never happen is like paying interest on money you may never borrow

Honor the Divine within

No one gets to choose their lot in life but we can all choose what we build on it

Things turn out best for those who make the best of how things turn out

Be the kind of friend you'd want to have

The road to success is always under construction

No pressure no diamonds

The harder I work the luckier I get

Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt

Mistakes are proof that you're trying

A goal is a dream with a deadline

The more you listen the more you know

Simplify

Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not, it's not the end.

Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. -Albert Einstein

Don't wish for it, work for it

Be willing to give up what you are for what you can become

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. -Winston Churchill

Character, like tea, shows its strength in hot water. -Chinese Proverb

Obstacles are what you see when you take your eye off your goal

To escape criticism; do nothing, say nothing, be nothing -Elbert Hubbard

A squirrel is just a rat with a better wardrobe

I'm looking forward to regretting this

I'll start exercising as soon as I get into shape for it

I'm thinking of making low self esteem a fad

When I grow up I wanna be something or other

I'd love to trade caller ID for caller IQ

I'd live up to my potential if it didn't cut into my sitting around time

I have no desire for money, it's stuff that I want

I'm no sell out but I'd love the chance

I'd help the homeless but I don't know where they live

Tell me, where is this bright side you speak of?

Shouldn't it be spelled Fonetic?

Would your inner child like to come out and play with my inner child?

Can we ever truly know when our philosophy assignment is due?

When no one trusts, does it matter that everyone lies?

Here I am. Now what are your other 2 wishes?

Saturday has a morning?

If there were no hypothetical questions what would this say?

Who says I want to fit in?

Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Has anger solved your other problems?

Why do psychics have to ask your name?

and your point is..?

Traumatized Yet?

Why do I have to take English class? I'm never going to England.

Who is Oscar Mayer and why does everyone want to be his weiner?

Does dark have a speed, too?

Don't ya think hard work must've killed someone?

If you won't listen to reason will you accept a lame excuse?

The only person to get everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

What would Scooby Doo?

Sorry, what was the part after "Listen carefully"?

When someone says "I'm gonna kick your ass," why do they usually punch your face?

Undecided isn't a major?

What part of illegal immigration don't you understand?

Am I the last sane person here?

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Top ten reasons to procrastinate:
1.


How am I supposed to love my enemies when I can barely stand my friends?

The speed of time is: One second per second

A poor memory is not the same as a clear conscience.

He who laughs last thinks slowest

If you ain't different, you ain't normal!

The future ain't what it used to be!

The 2 rules for success:
1. Never tell all you know


Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

VUJA DE: The feeling youre doing wrong all over again!

DEJA MOO: The feeling i've heard all this bull before

Samuel Colt: Inventor of the point-and-click interface

Depression: Anger without enthusiasm

Clones are people two

The police never think as funny as you do

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it. Same for all your other classes

Strip mining prevents forest fires

SQUIRRELS: Nature's little speed bumps

Extinct is forever!

45% of all ststistics are worthless

A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist

BUDGET: Something we go without to be within

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

MONTANA: At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.

Beauty is only a light switch away

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives

Remember, it's not,"How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? ............ Congress!

If you have any comments, suggestions, questions, please