Lord Protector and Dictator of England, General of the army, Parliamentary General of Parliament, Bankruptor of the Treasury, Lord-Lieutenant and commander-in-chief in Ireland.
Titles gratuitously awarded to, or stolen by, Oliver Cromwell of Huntingtonshire, England were not appreciated nor honored by Ireland. To the titles garnered by Oliver at home, the unappreciative Irish added the titles of Master Thief, Rapist and Murderer.
There are some 13,000 documents (and growing) that mention Oliver Cromwell. I have read a few books which mention him in some detail, but I find it impossible to write objectively about that man.
I am researching Cromwell and intend to put together from facts that seem never quite to agree, a fairly accurate history of Cromwell in Ireland, beyond the fact he killed about 618,000 Irish citizens........though that were entirely enough for most.
But until then, I found the following "tongue in cheek" and somewhat inaccurate timeline of Cromwell's accomplishments, written by a person by name of Robert Cromwell, email@example.com . So yes, Bob is a real person and not afraid to use his real name.....and we do have permission to copy, warts and all.
An Outline for Term Papers
by Bob Cromwell
Are you writing a paper on Oliver Cromwell? Would you like to just copy something off the net and turn that in? Feel free to use this material! Just keep in mind that this is all that I have. I really have no more information on Oliver Cromwell. Really.
Remember, all this information must be correct, since it is on the Internet, and that's all that matters now! You have my full permission to use all this material, and you may simply reference it by listing the URL in your bibliography.
- 1509 -- Henry VIII took the throne, later beheading wives, Sir Thomas More, and anyone else in the way. Thomas Cromwell, an ex-soldier, became Henry's advisor. His suggestion, ``Divorce her, don't behead her,'' led to the establishment of the Anglican Church in 1532 and the first translation of the Bible into English in 1537.
- 1599 -- Oliver was born, 25 April.
- 1627 -- Oliver invented an early version of the cotton gin to mechanize harvests on his farm. This led to vastly increased English cotton production.
- 1628 -- Oliver joined parliament, representing Huntingtonshire.
- 1642 -- Civil Wars broke out. Oliver joined the anti-king Parliamentarians against the pro-king Royalists, a.k.a. the Cavaliers. Led the New Model Army (nicknamed ``Roundheads,'' but at least not ``Blockheads'') and rampaged through England.
- 1644 -- The anti-royal forces won stunning victories after they employed a method of hand-to-hand combat developed by Oliver -- a synthesis of traditional sporting fisticuffs, Irish pub brawling, and Moorish edged-weaponry work. While denigrated as ``Crom-Fu'' by its detractors (most of which were royalists), it eventually became the standard hand-to-hand combat method employed by elite English (and later, British) forces, and is used today by the SAS and SBS.
- 1646 -- King Charles I fled to Scotland, his son fled to France. The Scots soon realized, ``Hey, it's not like he's a Scottish king,'' and ransomed him to Cromwell's forces.
- 1649 -- Trial and execution of Charles I, and establishment of the Commonwealth, both under Oliver's leadership. He became Lord-General and Commander in Chief of the Commonwealth, and Lord Lieutenant of Ireland.
- 1651 -- An exploration representing Oliver's new government discovered Australia.
- 1652 -- After massacres in Drogheda and Wexford, Oliver set up a policy of execution, forced relocation, and English colonialization in Ireland. This led to (a) today's Northern Ireland, and (b) the need for us Cromwells to travel to Ireland only under assumed names. To this day, many people of Irish descent feel that everyone named Cromwell is personally responsible for events of 1652, to judge from the mail I get. Note to the clueless, most all of whom are Americans with romantic notions of Irish descent -- that was Oliver, not the world-wide Cromwell Conspiracy. Also note that recent historical research strongly questions the traditional view of events, see the list of references near the bottom of this page.
- 1653 -- England without a king was working out just fine, so why not England without a Parliament? He disbanded it, no doubt to the surprise of remaining Parliamentarians, and established the Protectorate. Despite his Puritanism and military ruthlessness, the Protectorate is said to have been a time of religious tolerance, governmental stability, and economic progress. Well, if you ignore Ireland....
- 1654 -- Oliver established the first Freemason's Lodge in London. This, coupled with the Drogheda massacres in predominantly Catholic Ireland, is the reason behind today's continuing distrust between the Roman Catholic Church and Freemasonry.
- 1655 -- Under Oliver's guidance, the wide-spread practice of slavery in England was banished. Slavery had been practiced in England since slaves were first brought to the island by the Normans in 1066. For this he was known as ``The Great Emancipator'' and his face appeared on one-pence coins minted 1658-1660. Many of the emancipated slaves, mostly Belgians brought by their Norman French masters following the invasion of 1066, were shipped to Australia, where they established cotton plantations in that suitably warm and dry climate.
- 1658 -- Oliver died, 3 September.
- 1660 -- His inept son Richard couldn't handle the Protectorate, so the English kicked him out of office and went back to Royalty. Charles II was invited back from exile in France. Cromwells started leaving for the Colonies, mostly Maryland. Seems the English were rather annoyed by that whole king-beheading episode.
- 1990's -- Lots of people started sending me mail telling me how much they hate everyone named Cromwell because of Oliver's behavior. Other people started sending demands that I help them write their term papers. To make this feedback process easier, just click here!