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| Two robins were
sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate until they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first robin. "Me either. Let's just lie here and bask in the warm sun," said the second. "OK," said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen asleep when a big fat tom cat crept in and gobbled them up. As the tom cat sat washing his face after his meal he thought, "I love baskin' robins." |
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| "My grandfather once
told me that there are two kinds of people: those who work and those who take the
credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition
there." Indira Gandhi |
Humor only genealogists can appreciate: The problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged |
| Three
Irishmen, Paddy, Sean, and Shamus, were walking home late one night and found themselves
on the road which led past an old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says
Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old
age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out. "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "He was Miles, from Dublin." |
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| "Scottish
boy called Angus" There was a Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. "I'm fine," Angus said. "But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time." "Well, ma laddie," said his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with people like that." "Oh," said Angus, "I don't, Ma'm, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes." |
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Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more! It's 1998... Do you know where your-Great-G. Grandparents are? A family reunion is an effective form of birth control A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist! SO MANY ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME! |
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LIST OF POSSIBLY THE NINE WORST-SELLING GENEALOGY TITLES |
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| 1.
In what year was the flag first authorized by Congress? a. 1777; b. 1776; c. 1778 2. When was the flag first carried into battle? a. September 11, 1776; b. September 11, 1777; c. September 11, 1778 3. What battle was this? a. Battle of Saratoga; b. Battle of Monmouth; c. Battle of Brandywine 4. Over what foreign territory did it first fly in early 1778? a. Fort Augustine, Florida; b. Nassau, Bahamas; c. San Francisco, California 5. From what fort was the flag first flown in 1777? a. Fort Stanwix (New York); b. Fort Independence(Massachusetts); c. Fort Mifflin (Pennsylvania) 6. Originally it was decreed that the flag would have one star for each state and also one ______ for each state. a. bar; b. stripe; c. fleur-de-lis 7. When Vermont, in 1791, and Kentucky, in 1792, were admitted to the Union, what had to be increased to 15 in the flag? a. stripes; b. stars; c. stripes and stars 8. To avoid exorbitant cloth demands, Congress decided to limit the number of stripes to 13, representing the original 13 states, and add a star for each succeeding state. What year was that? a. 1793? b. 1818; c.1812 9. What name was given to the flag by William Driver, a 19th-century sea captain? a. Old Glory; b. Stars & Stripes; c. the Betsy Ross 10. Who said this about the flag? "We take the stars from heaven, the red from our mother country, separating it by white stripes, thus showing that we have separated from her, and the white stripes shall go down to posterity representing liberty."? a. Thomas Jefferson; b. Patrick Henry; c. George Washington |
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QUIZ ANSWERS. 1. a. 1777; 2. b. September 11, 1777; 3. c. Battle |
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| TWO
BOLL WEEVILS Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. |
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| A
scientist had developed his own ultra high speed computer and was attempting to market it
himself. He went to a prominent company and brought the computer into the CEO's office.
The scientist gave his presentation to the busy executive and asked him to pose any question he desired to the computer. The CEO said, "OK, where's my father?" The computer replied that the man's father was fishing in Minnesota. The executive laughed and told the scientist to leave. "My father has been dead for 20 years." The scientist asked for a second chance and said perhaps the phrasing of the question caused the computer to err. If the CEO would rephrase the question, the scientist believed the computer would answer correctly. "So, where is my mother's husband?" the CEO asked. The computer responded, "Your mother's husband died 20 years ago; your father just landed a five pound trout." |
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| Shooting
the breeze down at the veterans hospital, a trio of old-timers ran out of tales of their
own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My
great-grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at
Shiloh." "Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of the Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great-grandfather were living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old." |
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| Please
check your computer for the following viruses: LEWINSKY VIRUS sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. MIKE TYSON VIRUS quits after one byte OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb. DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS deletes all old files. TITANIC VIRUS your whole computer goes down. DISNEY VIRUS everything in your computer goes goofy PROZAC VIRUS screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care. JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS only attacks minor files ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back. LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy. VIAGRA VIRUS turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive |
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| True story: A woman at my local Family History Center told us she had spent a great deal of time accumulating lists of all her suspected relatives on an island off Alaska, all Innuit Indians. They all had the same surname, UNK, and she asked the librarians for help sorting out relationships. She was embarrassed, but had a good laugh, when one of the librarians pointed out that UNK meant "unknown." | |
| Got a letter from
grandma the other day. She wrote... Wednesday, I went to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is ... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window an started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach" ... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well,I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma |
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| "Top 20 Replies
by Programmers when Their Programs Do Not Work." 20. "That's weird..." 19. "It's never done that before." 18. "It worked yesterday." 17. "How is that possible?" 16. "It must be a hardware problem." 15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?" 14. "There's something funky in your data." 13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!" 12. "You must have the wrong version." 11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence." 10. "I can't test everything!" 9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT." 8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested." 7. "Somebody must have changed my code." 6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?" 5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?" 4. "You can't use that version on your system." 3. "Why do you want to do it that way?" 2. "Where were you when the program blew up?" 1. "It works on my machine." |
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| PRINT THIS ONE OUT AND
PASTE TO THE REFRIGERATOR!!! Top 10 Things Men Know About Women: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. |
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| THE AMISH CARRIAGE While driving in Pennsylvania, a family overtook an Amish carriage. Attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-lettered sign that read: "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust." |
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THAT'S ALL FOR NOW!!
