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This can't be news, it's just too foolish - Wit and Humour

Southland Times 24 November 1883, Page 2 Gone For the Mail?
The South Canterbury Times gives to the world the following startling par:- Last evening about office-closing time, a horse was observed galloping down Church street with a tether rope round his neck. He went down Strathallan street, and turned into Cain's terrace disappearing somewhere in the direction of the post-office.

Timaru Herald, 1 September 1900, Page 1 HUMOROUS AND SERIOUS SIDE.
Johnnie : " What does it mean by seeing the humorous and the serious side of things ? "
Father : " Well, my son, take a bit of orange peel, for example. How many sides has it ?"
Johnnie : " Why, two, of course."
Father : " Exactly ; and when some other man steps on that orange peel he sees the serious side of it, and you see the humourous side."

Timaru Herald, 9 February 1874, Page 3
Anyone who is in the habit of reading the newspapers must be struck by the tendency which the most trifling and unimportant scraps of doubtful intelligence have, to perpetuate themselves, and get repeated over and over and over again. Some of them are more tenacious of vitality than the proverbial nine-lived cat, and though the eye hurries away the moment the familiar item appears, it is sure to be again attracted to it in the next newspaper, or the next batch of telegrams it happens to light upon. Such an item as we speak of was that announcing The Pope is unwell month after month, and mail after mail, this utterly uninteresting fragment of stale news made its appearance, till at last people began to believe that his Holiness really was unwell. ... The very last thing in this line that we have noticed, originated at Christchurch about six weeks ago, and is still dragging out a miserable and abortive existence it is "Mr C. C. Bowen has announced that he will not contest the Superintendency." This is mere foolishness it is like continuing to pass round the decanter long after the wine has all been drunk.

Special shelter. Geraldine. Nov. 2009 . Marie Temple's challenge.  That is the guild's logo, red and black design, on the car door.
Special shelter. Geraldine. Nov. 2009. Marie Temple's challenge.

Waimate Daily Advertiser 23 August 1900, Page 1 THAT SMALL BOY AGAIN.
About the time of the autumn sales we opened a new stationer's shop, and sent the news broadcast that we should give the first customer a valuable present on the opening morning. Hours before the shutters were lowered there was seen an old woman clutching like grim death at the door handle. Just as the clock struck the appointed hour, and the crowd commenced to sway violently, a small boy popped round the corner and shouted, "They're opening at the back!" On hearing this, the crowd made a mad rush to the back. Imagine everyone's dismay, and especially the old woman's, when, on returning from their wild-goose chase, they found the shop open, and the small boy issuing there from with the present.

Timaru Herald, 13 October 1900, Page 5
HAD HAD EXPERIENCE. A young woman recently answered an advertisement for a dining-room girl, and the lady of the house seemed pleased with her. But before engaging her there were some questions to ask. "Suppose," said the lady  "now, only suppose, understand that you were carrying a piece of steak from the kitchen, and by accident should let it slip from the plate to the floor, what would you do in such a case?'' The girl looked the lady square in the eyes for a moment before asking, "Is it a private family, or are there boarders?" " Boarders," answered the lady. " Pick it up, and put it back on the plate," firmly replied the girl. She was engaged.

Timaru Herald, 22 March 1894, Page 2
The Harbour Board had some amusement yesterday in selecting a name for the dredge. A proposal to retain the name No. 404 was dismissed with some show of disgust. The chairman suggested that as Patiti Point is the only headland, and the first point of land masters of vessels looked for, therefore "Patiti" would be a good name for her. Mr Flatman thought Patiti too near potato.
Mr Teschemaker suggested "Grip."— Someone offered "la grippe."
Mr Evans "Groper"; she will always be groping,—
Mr Teschemaker thought "Hornet" would be a good name.
The chairman Yes, and put a few bands of black and yellow on her suction pipe. They had better, however, avoid satirical names.
"Pareora" would be an euphonious name.
Mr Manchester Make it Prohibitionist at once.
Mr Evans proposed Timaru.
Mr Wilson suggested Success. "
The Chairman proposed to put Groper to the vote. Mr Talbot jumped up quite alarmed: Oh, by hang! don't call her that.
Mr Manchester: Call her "Reliance," or something of that sort.
The chairman said he would put "Pareora" and "Timaru".
Mr Talbot: Let it be "Timaru" before "Pareora," as Pareora suggests nothing.
The name "Timaru" Was adopted by a good majority.

Tuapeka Times, 12 February 1870, Page 4
I hope your readers will not feel unnecessarily alarmed by the statement that scarlatina is rife in this neighbourhood. I have the authority of a medical gentleman resident here for saying that the cases which have occurred should be more properly described by the name of " urticaria," or nettlerash, and that, as a general rule, the district was never more healthy than at the present time. Temuka correspondent of the " Timaru Herald," Jan. 26.

Timaru Herald 7 June 1872, Page 4
LITTLE BOBBY would be obliged to his friends if they would kindly square their Accounts; he has lost his compasses, and the blade of his square is gone. All claims against him to be rendered by the 10th instant. ROBT. TAYLOR.  1 June

Timaru Herald, 13 July 1874, Page 3
If some spiritualist could conjure up the shade of Macadam and place him suddenly in Strathallan-street, would not the inventor of the divine art of road-making hang his head for shame to see in how great a measure the lessons which he taught to travelling man, have been neglected or forgotten. The poor, sad, disappointed ghost would rush howling back to Hades, disgusted with the broad and filthy way that leadeth to the Government Landing Service. It cannot be supposed for a moment, of course, that the Corporation Engineer does not know what the time-honored and universally approved principles of making roads with broken metal are, so that the public has no other course than to conclude that he does not approve of those principles and has deliberately departed from them and therefore, having come to that conclusion, no one would be presumptuous enough to raise any further objection. Yet, somehow, we don't tear ourselves away from long-cherished ideas without something of a wrench, and we own to a feeling of distress at seeing cartloads of stones flung down promiscuously in a slough of despond like Strathallan street, making the mass of plastic matter gathered there, resemble cheap confectioner —a single plum to a pound of "poodden." The first rudimentary elements of road making, one would suppose, indicate the necessity of scraping off the muck from the surface and making a perfectly even base, before spreading the broken metal on the street; it is, indeed, of very little importance what the subsoil is like, so long as the crust of the road is hard and the method which seems to prevail in Timaru of shooting down heaps of metal indiscriminately among ruts and holes and pools, is novel, to say the least of it, and interesting as regards its probable results. We should never dream, of course, of being so bold as to offer even a suggestion to so high an authority as the Corporation Engineer, but we would venture to hint in a delicate kind of way, that he is making a most tremendous mess of this business, and wasting the narrow means of the Borough m a very unwarrantable degree.

North Otago Times, 23 May 1877, Page 2 Otaio, May 21.
Some few years ago, when I first visited this fine valley, it was one vast sheep tract, but, as time has rolled on, it has been turned to agricultural purpose, and it it now studded over, from the sea to the mountains with neat and well laid off farms, and, judging by their appearance, it would seem that Mr Short, of "Happy Hornet" celebrity, had visited them. The most noticeable amongst them is that of Eskbank, the property of Messrs Fleming and Hedley. There are over twenty teams of horses at work daily, and there will be something like 4000 acres under crop there this year. The cartage will now be reduced to a minimum, as the railway runs right through this fine agricultural district. It is an undoubted fact that the roads in Canterbury are far superior to those of Otago. The Road Boards must either be wealthier or not so close-fisted as yours.

Evening Post, 25 January 1878, Page 3
The Timaru Resident Magistrate has a knotty point to decide, viz. : the amount of material it takes to make a modern "pullback" dress. Isabella R. Dick is charged with stealing several yards of cloth. The case has reached, a very complicated stage, and the Timaru Herald supplies the following epitome : Two dresses were produced in Court, to make which it was alleged that the accused while in the employment of Mr. Sutter, had received twenty yards of cloth, but had kept and converted to her own use between five and seven yards of it. Experts were called in to measure the dresses, for the purpose of ascertaining the quantity of the material in them, but they differed so widely that the Bench made an order to have the dresses taken to pieces for the purpose of having them properly measured. Since then dresses of the same size and shape have been made by the prosecution, presumably with less material than the twenty yards which the accused is alleged to have received to make the first dresses. That this had been done came to the ears of the defence, and yesterday a further adjournment until next Wednesday was granted to Mr. Hamersley, and the dresses were ordered to be given up. This was done to give the defence an opportunity of employing independent dressmakers to make similar dresses, so as to test the quantity of material that it would take to make them. Thus the case stands at present.

Timaru Herald, 25 June 1878, Page 4
Courthouse — A new source of discomfort developed itself in our recently built Courthouse, yesterday. Want of accommodation, defective acoustic properties, and all other drawbacks in which it has been found to abound, turned out to be insignificant in point of discomfort to the current of air which swept down its chimney yesterday. No sooner was the fire made down than the body of the Courthouse became filled with smoke. Rendering the judge [B. Woollcombe, Esq., R.M.] scarcely perceptible, and ashes and soot began to fly around, till briefs and wigs became covered with them. The bailiff tried his best to remedy the irritating state of affairs by putting on more coals, but he only made things worse. Ultimately his Honor made an order that the fire should be removed, and, this having been complied with, the nuisance ceased. It is to be hoped that speedy steps will be taken for remedying this defect

North Otago Times, 17 April 1879, Page 2
Edward Wakefield and G. F. Lovegrove have been elected to fill the vacant seats of the Board of Education ; and H. J. Sealey and O. Clurle, those on the Geraldine County Council. The Borough passed a resolution last night in favor of the removal of the seat of Government to Christchurch. 

Timaru Herald, 26 October 1867, Page 3 THE COMPLIMENTARY DINNER AT TEMUKA.
To the Editor of the Timaru Herald. Sir, I had the honour of receiving a special invitation from the Committee of the Geraldine League to be present at the dinner given to Meesrs Cox and Jollie, on Tuesday last, at the Crown Hotel, Temuka. It gave me great pleasure indeed to behold (from outside the window, where my place was, as I had not enough loot to pay for an inside berth) the well-spread table and the numerous guests surrounding it. As I could not obtain access by the door, I kept my place at the window with my nose flattened to the glass and my mouth wide open (you know it is not a small one when shut), inhaling the smell that arose from the numerous dishes. This was the only supper I had, sir although I got a few nobblers which did me as well. But what annoyed me most was, that I could not see any eels on the table. If any of the committee, or the "old Doctor," had only given me the tip a day or two before, I should have got ready my bob and procured them any amount. You know, sir, there is no colonial dinner properly set without a dish of eels on the table, and I know the "old Doctor" loves a feed of them. I am so sorry! Well, sir, from my position at the window (outside recollect) I felt pleased to see them all do so much justice to the tucker. I should have felt more so if I had been sitting at the table. I hope the Committee will give longer notice next time, and I shall try and take my place side by side with Jew and Gentile. I don't see why I shouldn't. There's as good blood runs in my veins as in either, and I can drink nobbler about with any of the lot. But the feed is not what I intended to talk about although if you don't eat and drink you with not be able to speak much but what came after it. Several who were chalked off to do the palaver came with their gasometers well charged, and, my word, didn't they blow it off. The upper end of the table drew it very mild; but when you came about the middle and one of them at the end, they were nearly exploding. One gentleman. (Mr Hayhurst, I think) got a toast to propose "the Press" and he made a nice kettle of fish of it. Sir, I am neither white-skinned, nor thin-skinned but on jollification nights in our pa, if I got a toast to propose and it don't please me I just let it alone. Not so this late provincial councillor (and he did let them know what he had been). It was a chance not to be lost of letting off his bile. He had a tilt first at the Timaru Herald (one of the proprietors of which, was seated opposite my window) for misreporting and not reporting his speeches, and then he goes slap into the Lyttelton Times. I could forgive his attack on the latter, but not on the former, which has always meted out even-handed justice, and advocated and defended the rights of the district. Were the reporters of the Timaru Herald, or of any other newspaper, to insert. Mr Hayhurst's speeches as he utters them, what a pretty rigmarole of nonsense would be presented to their readers. I am sure he would be ashamed of them himself, and compel him to put his candle under a bushel, where it would ever remain. I was very sorry to see Mr Gosling who is a well meaning man and has done good service in the cause obtrude these services against the feeling of the meeting. A man who has done good word should not be vain-glorious of it, but leave it on its merits to be appreciated by those for whom he has acted. Every one about here knows Mr Gosling's good qualities, but he should not be so extravagant with his gas. With your kind permission, and when I am not out eeling at nights, I may employ my leisure in photographing a few of the worthies here. Tanaqui. I am, &c, Koori Kybosh. The Pah, October 23 1867.

Timaru Herald, 18 January 1868, Page 2
We have been called upon by a Maori named Kuri who stated that he has been considered the author of certain letters that have from time to time appeared in our columns bearing the signature of Koori Kybosh," and that he felt hurt at the mistaken identity. We gladly seize on the opportunity of stating that Kuri was never guilty of writing to the Timaru Herald.

Timaru Herald, 11 January 1868, Page 3 THE GERALDINE ROAD BOARD ELECTION.
To the Editor of the Timaru Herald. Sir, Yesterday, Temuka was a scene of wild excitement on the occasion of the election of two representatives to the Geraldine Road Board, in the room of Messrs Ormsby and Gosling, whose term of office had expired. I was not doing much, so I thought I would cross the river and try and get a glass of peppermint, of which I am particularly fond. I was lucky m getting one from a friend after which I strolled into the room where the election was to take place. You know I am a pretty old stager about the bush, but I never saw so many men collected together as there were yesterday. In the verandah of the Crown a label was posted up, Beware of the Old Gander," and lots grinning at it, and I grinned too (I can grin) for I expected the "old gander" was about to have his wings cut. Well, sir, at noon the business commenced by the Chairman reading the balance sheet for the year. It was tried to shuffle it through but the old doctor was not to be caught in that way. He proposed that the accounts should lie over to another meeting for consideration, which was unanimously agreed to. There are some ugly questions to be asked about these accounts, and I shall take particular care to be present, and see what's what. The ball was opened by Mr Slack to the tune of the "Siamese Twins," alias Messrs Hayhurst and Gosling and, my word, didn't he speak out. He showed that they had kept the Board m perpetual hot water since they had any connection with it. He made them both look very small Hayhurst sitting at the table with his head in his hands, and Gosling behind him ditto. Mr Slack concluded by proposing Mr Ormsby Mr W. K. Macdonald proposed Mr Slack Mr Hayhurst got on his legs and proposed Mr Gosling. After eulogising Mr Gosling's conduct at the Board instead of defending himself from the attack made by Mr Slack he gave the old story of the doings of the doctor" at the Board meetings, when he was called to order to allow the business of the meeting to be proceeded with. He then proposed another candidate Mr Medlicolt. A show of hands was taken for the respective candidates, when large majorities were declared in favour of Messrs Ormsby and Slack. A poll was demanded by Mr Hayhurst, which showed a like result 105 voting for Mr Ormsby, 101 for Mr Slack, 30 for Mr Gosling, and 44 for Mr Medlicott. Now, sir, the moral of this shows clearly that Mr Hayhurst's day of rule is crumbling into dust. With all his whipping m of dependents, and all the influence he fancies he possesses, the good sense of the ratepayers is now in the right direction, and they are not to be browbeat or misled by any man who can scramble together a few thousands of acres of land, who sets himself up to lord it over his fellow men. I hope Messrs Hayhurst and Co. will profit by the thorough drubbing they have got at this election, remain satisfied with one member at the Board from their domains, and never again attempt to monopolise three out of the five. If the election of members for the Timaru and Gladstone Board of Works had been vested in the ratepayers instead of the Road Board, Mr Hayhurst may rest assured that he would not now have had a seat there. I hear that one of the members of the Road Board has resigned, and that there will be another election shortly. Let me tender a word of advise to Messrs Hayhurst and Co. If they attempt any of their trickery again, I shall bring every man, woman, and child from the pah to swamp them and I know there are any amount of good men m the district both able and willing to back me up in crushing such egotistical bombast. I am, &c., Koori Kybosh. The Pah, Jan. 8, 1868.

Inangahua Times, 16 September 1881, Page 2
The Loafer in the Street," says - There were some very funny things happened during the generally dreary talking against time on the Representation Bill. The story from the Timaru Herald of Mr Seddon's indignation against the Government for not allowing any adjournment for meals is very droll. 'I ham' he said, 'hastonished at the hattitude of the Government, I ham so.' Mr Seddon reminds me of the following lines written by an ex-superintendent of police in New York :- "Our public schools - may their influence spread.
Until statesman use grammar and dunces are I dead;
Until no one dare say, in this land of the free,
He 'done' for he 'did,' or it's her for it's she.'

Mount Ida Chronicle, 27 July 1882, Page 3
A business man in Timaru recently advertised for a "sleeping partner" in a profitable concern, without giving any further particulars. In due course, says the Herald," he received sundry more or less satisfactory offers, and among them the following -.—"Dear Sir, —In answer to our advertisement inquiring for a sleeping parner in a good paying business, I have a mate who is open to tackle the job. He would bring his own blankets, and if a comfortable bunk is provided, I will back him to slumber sweetly on until the profits of the concern are sufficient to allow him to wake up and retire—Yours, etc., Bill, STUMPS." Only Bill Stumps is not really the name attached to the letter. We believe Bill's mate is looking for him with an axe-handle, and Bill says he never saw him so wide awake before.

Mount Ida Chronicle, 27 July 1882, Page 3
The famous ghost of Timaru has at last been run to earth. Lately two girls -were walking up a certain street when they observed among some trees a strange but human-like object, which gleamed weirdly among the umbrageous foliage. The "nightly visitant" moaned hideously and made uncouth motions. The girls in question immediately concluded that they were in the presence of the much-dreaded ghost, and one of them collapsed—or fainted, an infallible female remedy in cases of this description. A couple of lads went for the would-be ghost and very soon placed "it" or him (which gender, masculine, feminine or neuter horn de combat. A cart was obtained and his ghostship placed under arrest —a remarkable thing to do with a visitant from the other world. A calm and unprejudiced examination of the ghost proved it to be an ill-conditioned spectre. It was scantily attired, extremely intoxicated, and to be suffering from delirium tremens.

West Coast Times, 15 September 1884, Page 2 A recent Southern mail.
The Post says: Yesterday's mail brought up an exceedingly unsavoury package, in the shape of a dead rat, addressed to Edward Wakefield, Esq. M. H.R. The body arrived in rather a dilapidated condition, owing to the effect of the force used in defacing the postage stamps."

Timaru Herald, 18 September 1889, Page 2
Messrs Priest and Holdgate have, a rather novel galvanic buttery on the counter in their shop in the Main Road. The simple act of dropping a penny piece in a slot sets the battery in working order, and then on grasping a couple of handles any person can have as strong a shock as he desires.

Timaru Herald, 18 September 1889, Page 2
The Waimakariri seems determined to wash out Christchurch if it can. Lately it has been concentrating its force in the south channel, and silting up the northern branches, in if it did not mean to work in that direction any more.

Timaru Herald, 18 September 1889, Page 2
We remind members and intending members of the Timaru Boating Club that the general meeting takes place at Mr F. W. Stubbs' office, Main road, this evening at 8 o'clock, A large and punctual attendence is requested.

Star 15 January 1892, Page 3
Interesting event. A great event from an acclimatisation point of view (says the Leader) has just occurred in Temuka in the birth of the first monkey ever born in New Zealand. Dr Hayes keeps a menagerie on a small scale, and in this the great event has taken place. The pair of monkeys which are kept in this menagerie are from Burmah and Calcutta respectively, and are fine healthy animals. The young monkey and his mother are an interesting sight to see. The way she nurses her offspring, and the intense affection she displays in the care of him is very edifying. In another column of the Leader the following announcement appears
Birth.— Mitchell Monkey.— At his residence, Main South road, Temuka, the wife of Mr Mitchell Monkey, on the 23rd inst., of a son and heir; mother and child doing as well as expected. Thanks for the kind inquiries. Burmese and Calcutta papers please copy.

Lake Wakatip Mail 28 February 1896, Page 2
Mr Hall-Jones, the member for Timaru, has been allotted the portfolio of Justice, with the salary and perquisites appertaining to the office. How a labor member comes to have a double barrelled name, is somewhat a mystery, but so it is, and this estimable carpenter and joiner has brought his political pigs to a very excellent market, and now has the administration of one of the most important departments of the State, for which work his qualifications are about as suitable as they would be for the post of Astronomer Royal! The secret of his selection is that he extreme Prohibitionist views, and it is thought advisable to conciliate that exceedingly active and noisy section of the community, who moreover, are supported generally by the evangelical organisations throughout the colony.

Press, 12 February 1902, Page 5
At the Geraldine Magistrate's Court yesterday, before Messrs W.P. Studholme and A. Metcalf, J.P.s, Sarah Smith, was charged with unlawfully beating Mary Hoar at Rangitata on January 20th. Mr Barklie appeared for the complainant, and Mr Rolleston for the defendant. The Bench did not think that a technical assault had been committed, considering the trespass of plaintiff on defendant's property was in following a swarm of bees. Both parties were bound over to keep the peace in their own recognisance of £10, and payment of costs was divided.

Star 4 March 1904, Page 2
A man, in his application for land in the Rosewill Settlement, in answer to the question, "What was your age last birthday?" answered 27½ years.

Timaru Herald, 9 April 1907, Page 4
A few years ago Timaru had a live and wakeful Chrysanthemum Society that either died or fell asleep. It is now being resuscitated or awakened. At a meeting of growers held on Saturday evening, it was determined to hold a "mum" show, on or about the St h and 10th of May, and Mr James Wallace was appointed secretary. Mr Wallace is an enthusiastic horticulturist, and he has had experience as a secretary. It is intended to-have several classes for chrysanthemums and also for other flowers, fruits, and vegetables. It is expected that some Christchurch growers of chrysanthemums, will be exhibitors.

Free Lance, 7 May 1915, Page 10 WASTE NOT, WANT NOT!
Are We a Wasteful People
DOWN at Timaru a more than usually pushful poultry-raiser has struck out a new line in the procuring, of suitable food for his feathered producers of the now highly-priced egg. In the local school-grounds he has discovered a happy provision of the scraps, which every well-reasoning fowl prefers to wheat. The youth of Timaru, he has noticed, bring, as a rule, about twice as much, lunch to school as their juvenile "Little Marys" can find room for or else they have so many pennies to spare that they can afford to scrap-heap the maternal supplies of bread and jam and patronise the local tuck-shop. Anyhow, the observant poultry-farmer sees so-much good food lying wasted about the school grounds that he wants the sole right of collection, and is prepared to pay for it. Clearly, young Timaru is in the happy position of having so much lunch that he can afford to throw it away.

Press, 30 August 1922, Page 3
Just at present Temuka is a good place to live in from the housewife's point of view. One milkman has reduced his price from sevenpence to fivepence a quart, to come into line with a second man who sells at fivepence. A third milkman now advertises milk at fourpence a quart.

Auckland Star, 4 June 1925, Page 6
Faced with the difficulty of blocking a leaking radiator, a Timaru motorist had resort to the well-known custom of placing two or three handfuls of oatmeal in the radiator, knowing that the cereal would swell in the water and so block the leak, relates the "Post." He continued his journey in confidence, but after a short time observed a rather appetising smell coming from the front of the car, and on investigation found that the water in the radiator had boiled, and he was possessed of some first-class porridge.

To the Editor of the Timaru Herald

Star 20 June 1882, Page 3
The Timaru Herald has been made the victim of a cruel "sell," not altogether undeserved on its part, and, moreover, of a kind that makes one wonder at the density of the brain that failed to detect it. The other evening Mr Turnbull, the member for Timaru, stated during the discussion on Hansard that he would prefer not having his speeches reported, upon which his enemy, the Herald, always on the look-out for a weak point in their antagonist's hide, remarked, De nihilo nihil fit. The ignorance betrayed in the misquotation is all the more inexcusable, because the Timaru paper is always trying to set people right on small points in names, quotations, titles, &c, and occasionally devotes a whole column to show that Lord Somebody should only be plain "Mr," or that a Greek particle in some quotation was misplaced. But "retribution, like a poised hawk, quickly o'ertook the wrong -doer." In yesterday's issue of the Herald appeared the following innocent-looking letter:

Timaru Herald, 19 June 1882, Page 3 THE MEMBER FOR TIMARU.
TO THE EDITOR OF THE TIMARU HERALD. Sir, Your pithy summing up of the character of our member in your epigramatic Latin quotation in this morning's paper tickled my fancy immensely, and I am sure that no leader you could have written on the subject would have been so telling but I think it a pity that you did not give the translation for the benefit of your readers. I am no Latin scholar but better versed in the language of the Gael, but believe that "Out of nothing nothing comes" very nearly hits the nail on the head, and it is almost identical with our Erse proverb (which is known almost as well as the Latin), S' sana si dlareh, ehtfo rotide ehT" - "The brawling brook turns no mills." And to say that he represents the public opinion of any but the smallest section of the community is a libel on our understanding I am, &c., BUBSIH SIOSDNA. June 19th 1882.  and so is his bub

Some areas in Southwest Scotland were once (Irish) Gaelic speaking as there was a lot of traffic between Ireland and Scotland, English speech pattern may have been influenced by Scottish Gaelic, Erse.

Star 20 June 1882, Page 3
Really we have seen much better hoaxes of the same kind, and the one that has been played on our Timaru contemporary is so thin that it is amazing any of the Herald's staff could have failed to notice it. Of course the author of the joke took all sorts of care to spread it about, and the good citizens of Timaru were quite in a simmer of delight yesterday. The key to the mystery is simply obtained— the italics and the signature to the letter have only to be read backwards to make all too clear. But the editor of the Herald is sure to keep a pretty thick rod in pickle for the M.H.R., and the last of the joke has probably yet to come.

Timaru Herald, 15 December 1893, Page 3 A PENNY PIE DOZEN.
TO THE EDITOR OF THE TIMARU HERALD. Sir, - I see that the Geraldine County Council have had a meeting and advertised that they will give " one penny per dozen" for bird eggs. Well, the Geraldine boys have had a meeting too, and decided that they will not risk life and limb, and breeks (sic) for a paltry penny, and also ask the Council, " don't you wish you may get 'em?' I am, etc., SCHOOLBOY.

Wanganui Chronicle, 31 March 1905, Page 7 A JOURNALIST'S REVENGE.
The late Mr Crombie Brown, whose death in Australia was announced this week (says the "Christchurch Press") was Well known in this colony 20 years ago as a clever journalist, with considerable powers of imagination. It was a little unfortunate for the recording of the history of New Zealand that Mr Brown was selected by a leading paper of that day opposed to the policy of the then Government, to report the proceedings in connection with what is known as the occupation of Parihaka in the days when Mr Bryce was Native Minister. The account which he wrote was very picutresque and readable, but unfortunately bore but a small relation to the truth, and so led to a totally preverted notion of the affair being handed down. He was responsible for a notable hoax in connection with an imaginary swamp on the Waimate plains. He described a huge swamp in that district, and accussed the Government surveyors of taking their roads into the middle of it. The matter created such stir that it was brought up in Parliament and inquired into, with the result that it was found that Mr Brown had been drawing on his imagination, and that the swamp did not exist. His method of "getting back" on a brother journalist, who had annoyed him, caused a good deal of amusement. His victim was the editor of a leading morning newspaper in one of the centres, a gentleman with not a great deal of journalist experience. One day he received a very polite letter from a correspondent, ending in a quotation which purported to be a Gaelic proverb. It was not until the letter appeared in print, that the unfortunate editor, I whose name we will call X——, found that the supposed Gaelic, if read backwards, made "X __is an idiot-" However, revenge was still not sweet enough. A few days later the editor received a poem, well written and of graceful sentiment, and so taken was he with it that he not only published it, but added an editorial note expressing his appreciation, of his contributor's work, and hopping he would hear from him again. But, alas, when the poem appeared in print, it was seen to be an acrostic, the first letters of the lines forming the sentence, "X is an idiot." By this time all the town was talking of the editor and his "roasting," and when Mr Brown offered to bet £5 that he would do it a third time, he was at once taken up, for it was natural to think that the editor would be completely on his guard. This time he inserted an advertisement stating that a certain person was about to leave the town, and enumerating the articles of furniture which would be sold. Again the accusing sentence appeared, formed of the first letters of each word in the inventor "Z is is an idiot." He subsequently went to Tasmania mid Australia, where his career was a somewhat checquered one.

Tuapeka Times, 31 December 1873, Page 2
The "Timaru Herald" mentions that a highly illumined and exceedingly well got up address had been prepared for presentation to the Governor, but to the disgust we should think of all right feeling councillors, a meddlesome individual — though a Councillor forsooth took upon himself to get the engrosser to add a paragraph to the document which was utterly inadmissible in a matter of the kind. Before the address had to be presented the objectionable paragraph was discovered, though too late to have the document re-engrossed. The "Herald" asks how is the Council ruled, to permit such gross irregularity on the part of an individual member?

Otago Witness, 30 April 1886, Page 8
While the Geraldine Rifles were under canvas in the township on Monday, 19th inst. (says the Christchurch Press), two youths, named Fly and Chiverson, thought they would have a little fun with the guard. About midnight one of these worthies fired a shot with a fowling piece in the vicinity of the camp, with the result that not only the guard, but the whole camp turned out. The guard gave chase, and soon captured the two alarmists and ran them into the guardroom. In the morning, much to their chagrin, they were marched to the lock-up in the township till the arrival of a Justice of the Peace. They were then charged with a breach of one of the town district bye-laws - discharging a firearm within the district. Chiverson was fined £1 5s, and Fly £1, and costs amounting to 13s.

Daily Telegraph 2 September 1886, Page 2
A remarkably apt illustration of the popular proverb that "the biter generally gets bit," was afforded in Temuka a day or so ago. Two individuals, not totally unconnected with newspapers, were standing in a store there discussing the various aspects of the European crisis, when one of them, in a fit of absence of mind, picked up an egg, and perforating it with two small holes, proceeded to exhaust the contents by suction. The other, a married man, and the father of a family, and who ought therefore to have known better, took up the exhausted shell, and replaced it with the genuine eggs, expressing his hone that somebody would buy it. Somebody did buy it. Within half an hour his own servant came in for a dozen eggs and picking them out herself, she included the empty shell. The expression on that newspaper man's face when he found that he had paid for twelve eggs and only got eleven, and was furthermore hoist with his own special little petard, was worth studying.

Aorangi ; or, the heart of the Southern Alps, New Zealand
by Malcolm Ross, Laurence William 1892, page 64

We are early on the road again next morning. Crossing the Pukaki River on a ferry-boat, worked by the current, we drive over the tussocky downs of Rhoboro' Station, and enter what appears to be the bed of an old river, that has no doubt at some distant date cut its way through this ancient lateral moraine, when the glacier of the Tasman Valley was three or four times its present size. The engineer who laid out this road must have been a thorough utilitarian, for he has availed himself of an old bullock-dray track, and succeeded admirably in making the road about as long and as rough as it possibly could be. It is on record that a tourist once sang out excitedly to the driver to stop, and, on the coach coming to a standstill, he got out and began to make a close scrutiny of the construction of the vehicle. The driver, a little puzzled, asked what was the matter, and received the laconic reply: "Oh, nothing, I merely wished to see if your wheels were square." For the first mile or two we thought this story a joke; then, after a few more miles, we began to think there might be some truth in it; and, latterly, we too found ourselves dubiously examining the wheels.

Otago Daily Times 1 April 1893, Page 5
A contest of courtesies is in progress between the Tablet and the Temuka Leader. Says the Tablet, referring to the editor of the Leader, "Set a beggar on horseback and he'll ride to the devil.' A beggar astride of a jackass would go a great deal farther if he knew how." The editor of the Leader is a gent who, largely by the support of a Catholic population, has managed to creep up a piece in the world, and who now takes advantage of his position to try and sell the people who patronised him and made him what he is." He is "an artful dodger," he wears two faces," and possesses a soul of value so insignificant that the Tablet doubts whether "even the devil himself would bid much for it. These and other graceful things duly said, the Tablet editor closed his article with the comfortable feeling that he had discharged a Christian duty in a Christian spirit, and calmly awaited the next issue of the Leader. It must have afforded him some agreeable reading...

Timaru Herald, 7 September 1895, Page 2
A paragraphist in Christchurch Truth tells the following story in a certain town - I won't say which in this colony the fight between publicans and prohibitionists had waxed warm. The pro.'s hit on the idea of counting the number of people who visited certain hotels on Sunday. At one of these hotels a circus troupe was staying, and somehow both the landlord and his guests heard of the tactics of the cold water crowd, and they settled to have some fun. The number of men who entered that hotel that day was phenomenal. Even the prohibitionists scarcely believed their eyes or their figures. Such a constant stream of all sorts and sizes surely never visited one hotel before on any one day, let alone Sunday, and yet there was no denying the fact. Two hundred and sixty-four the tallies added up, and yet," the pro.'s said, they deny Sunday trading." But by-and-by the truth leaked out. The circus troupe had kept going out at the back door and going in again at the front, and by a liberal use and exchange of wigs, hats, etc., and a little make up," had been able sufficiently well to alter their appearance at times so as to personate ten times their number.

Colonist, 9 April 1902, Page 4
A laugh was occasioned at the Mackenzie County Council lately, when a member reported one of the objections offered to the order to remove pigstys from certain parts of the township of Fairlie: "Some of us were brought up with pigs under the table, and you will not allow us to have them in the back-yard."

New Zealand Tablet, 25 August 1904, Page 17
Somewhere in the Fairlie district (Canterbury) there is a Maori place-name that stretches out in a precession of letters as long as a litany of Australian names. We have no space for it in this issue.

Otago Witness, 19 May 1909, Page 4
"My experience of livery stable-keepers' book debts is that they are scarcely worth the paper they are written on," said the Deputy Official Assignee at a meeting of creditors held in Timaru on the 11th.

Timaru Herald, 5 April 1897, Page 2
A present member of the Harbour Board and an ex-member met in the street near the Post Office yesterday, and threw verbal mud at each other with great rigour for about a quarter of an hour, to the great amusement of a group of bystanders.

Press, 14 August 1912, Page 11
TIMARU, August 13. The Timaru Borough Council is likely to be involved in a big Court action at an early date. Messrs W. J. Black and Sons, who have just completed the new reservoir at Timaru and for which they received just on £7000, are claiming £3440 for extras and for balance due under the contract. The Council have decided not to recognise the claim, and Messrs Black and Son have instructed Mr S. G. Raymond to take the necessary legal steps on their behalf to recover the money from the Council.
    The Timaru Borough Council is still a very unhappy body, so far as its fortnightly meetings are concerned. It frequently sits from 7.30 until midnight, but on last Monday night it established a record by sitting from 7p.m. until 2.15 the following morning. The trouble is chiefly caused by one Councillor, who speaks at inordinate length on the most trivial pretexts, and refuses to be controlled by the Mayor. There was some talk of a test of prowess with bare knuckles between two of the Councillors who fell out at Monday night's meeting.
 Archdeacon Jacob, of St. Mary's. Timaru, is making an appeal to his congregation with a view to abolishing pew rents.

NZ Truth 29 August 1929, Page 5
WITNESS (in Temuka Court): The horse wandered down to the creek.
Sergeant Dwan: That is not the statement you made to the police.
Witness: No, the police took me unawares.
Mr. Orr-Walker, S.M. : Get out of that box. We don't want that sort of thing here!

New Zealand News August 8, 1997, Brian Harmer
A gnome lineup will be held at Timaru police station today. Police executed a search warrant on a house after routine enquiries overnight. Thirty-eight stolen garden gnomes ranging in size were recovered. Police say that the explanation was that the occupants wanted to improve their backyard.

Ah, only in NZ and only in the Press. LOL.
Because it was a baaaaaa d accident. Stop bleating.
So the cyclist admits he was traveling around blind corners at speed, clearly not able to stop within the required distance, then goes bleating to the media. Baa.
Speed, cliff, blind corner, sheep...need anything else pointed out?
Ewe didn't stop and provide assistance at the scene of the accident.
Must've been a ram.
Ewe just don't know what to expect on the road these days.
For goodness sake, when will cyclists and sheep learn to shear the road.

Ewe really need to watch the road.
It was shear luck he wasn't killed.
The cyclist went down that hill like a lamb to the slaughter
The cyclist needs to pull the wool from his eye's
When it comes to reckless speed- is the cyclist the black sheep of the family?
Was it a case of being rammed?
Is this man a ram rider?
The bike was chopped- was the lamb chops too?
The sheep said later it was really Baaaaaaaaaaaad.

Timaru Herald, 27 February 1904, Page 3
Customer: "How is it beef is high than mutton?" Butcher: A cow is taller than a sheep, you know."

San Francisco Call, 11 January 1896
Mr. Kaibfleisch of Rochester is a vestryman at Christ Church in that city and the ticket agent of the New York Central Railroad. While he was in his office the other day a man came to the window and said he wanted a ticket to Christ Church. Mr. Kaibfleisch thought he was being made the victim of a joke until the man added, "Christ Church, New Zealand." He could not be accommodated with a ticket to that place, and he bought one to Timaru, New Zealand, which is about 14,000 miles from Rochester.  

Farm gate. 2,438 views July 2016

 "wit sharper than a barbwire fence"

April Fool

6 April 2005 Timaru Herald
It's just as well there's only one April Fools Day in the year because it annually exposes how gullible we can all be. As Mark Twain so aptly observed: The first of April is the day we remember what we are on the other 364 days of the year. Last Friday's article and photograph in The Timaru Herald about the demolition of the Hydro Grand Hotel had a fair number of people fooled -- even though the article said the building had been demolished overnight and the article was accompanied by a photograph of the wrecked Hydro Grand that appeared to have been taken in broad daylight.
    Last year's spoof about the Jacks Point lighthouse being sold to the Taiwanese also tested the credulity of Timaruvians and quite a few readers fell for the hoax. No wonder they sold the Jacks Point lighthouse to the Taiwanese. No one in New Zealand can afford to run lighthouses anymore.  If ever there was an account that smacked of an April Fools Day spoof, then this was surely it.

As for the April fool's joke in the Herald this year 2009...well, it was as silly as ever but probably fooled a few. Apparently someone stole the Pleasant Point train engine and took a wrong turn, the police finding it jammed up the new sewer pipe here in town. The guys at Point were away having Devonshire tea when the burglary occurred!! When they returned the shock was so great the cream fell off their scones!!!! How's that for a story! John Bisset : the Herald's chief photographer managed to insert the Pleasant Point Railway's Ab699 into one of Timaru's new sewer pipe tunnels for a front-page April Fool's Day Spread.

Ethel Bourn Florrie & Ruth Pearse Nellie McAteer by Geoffrey Rodliffe
Ethel Bourn and her older twin sisters, Elsie and Ellen, were on their way to school with Florrie and Ruth Pearse when the Pearse sisters mentioned that their brother had flown the day before, the 3lst March. At first they were not believed as Ethel and her sisters assumed that it was an April Fool's joke.  

2015 Fonterra to use manure power. Dairy cows and manure.
2015  Wool-fi
2015 The Timaru Herald's water crisis

Timaru Herald April 4 2015
McKinnon's Creek hatchery was obliged to prematurely release about 35,000 small fry during the recent drought. With the water temperature too high and oxygen content low, young fish were under stress and a decision was made about three weeks ago to release half of the broodstock. "It was a decision we didn't seek but in the interest of fish survival it was better to risk their early transition into the marine environment instead of facing the consequences of the lack of oxygen and high water temperature in the hatchery environment," says hatchery chairman Phil de Joux. "We expect the released fry to return and repopulate the hatchery in coming seasons, although in percentage terms the best hatchery results will come from the larger, more vigorous, remaining brood-stock that will be released to sea in July/August." In the meantime, the hatchery will host a fin clipping day on Saturday, April 11. He is an opportunity for salmon anglers, hatchery supporters, and volunteers to bring lunch and enjoy the camaraderie of hatchery activities. To avoid unnecessary disturbance to farm stock you're asked to assemble at George Rd at 9.30am and travel in convoy to the hatchery.

Timaru Herald April 4 2015
Here is a great opportunity for all members of the public to sell, buy, or exchange fishing gear. Just be at the South Canterbury Anglers Club public meeting at the Pistol Club rooms, adjacent to the Caledonian grounds at South St, anytime from 7.30pm on Monday, April 13. It's the end of another fishing season and the anglers club is hosting this event so that you can update, sell or buy fishing gear and accessories. "You don't have to be a member of the South Canterbury Anglers Club to enjoy the benefits of this evening, although you are more than welcome to become a member and participate in other monthly activities focused on recreational fishing," president Allan Davidson says. If you want a bargain, here it is," he says. "If you want to encourage a friend or family member into the fishing fraternity, here's your chance, and if you want to know more about this special event, call ----- or Allan Gillespie. The club thinks it will be the highlight of the season."

Yuletide, a season of kindly sentiments!

Ashburton Guardian, 30 December 1912, Page 6
"Guardian" Office, December 30, 1912
At the season of peace and goodwill, it is customary for newspaper editors and their staffs to exchange greetings with those whom, for the rest of the year, they regard as their "reptile contemporaries." The practice shows that journalists have not got every spark of human feeling crushed out of them. The two Timaru newspapers are not this year, exchanging felicitations, however They are rather in the way of exchanging " felinities." A few days before Christmas, this is how the "Herald", angels sang about the "Post": "Wanted to Sell. Shares in Timaru Post Company. No reasonable offer refused. —Apply, Dividends, This Office." The manager of the "Post," smelling a rat, got a shareholder, to send a letter of inquiry. When he got a reply, typewritten, he compared it with a business communication he had received some time previously, which had been written upon the "Timaru Herald" office typewriter. He was not surprised to find that certain peculiarities of diction and type were common to both letters. Following on this, certain evidence was unexpectedly placed in his hands, which taken with the other circumstances, left no room for doubt that the advertisement was inserted and the letter written by a certain prominent employee of the "Herald" Company, with the deliberate of damaging the credit of the "Post" Company. The facts were duly stated in the "Post,", whereupon the "Herald" published the following: — "For Immediate Sale —At a considerable discount, Shares in 'Timaru Post.' No reasonable offer refused. —, Apply, Cautious, this Office." And that is why the " Post." is constrained to remark that "such tactics will be generally regarded as childish and contemptible in the extreme. This is Yuletide, a season of kindly sentiments and good feeling towards all mankind; but the "Post," in exposing the methods against which it has to fight, confesses to experiencing neither kindly sentiments nor good feeling towards mankind or, at any rate, a certain section of it."


Police Notebook

Ashburton Guardian, 11 March 1903, Page 2
Water-policeman Sampson is awfully pleased at having the Sergeant's duties to perform during the absence of the latter at Timaru Sampson would make a good sergeant.

Taranaki Herald, 11 June 1894, Page 2
The Police Offences Act prohibits wheeling perambulator on footpaths, but in the big towns the clause is found inoperative.

Timaru Herald, 18 July 1893, Page 2
A man named John Breen, one of the men who went from Timaru to the co-operative works at Cheviot, has been arrested for larceny at Amberley. Inquiry has been made of the police here whether he is known to the police in Timaru. Unfortunately for him, and unfortunately for society, he is.

Taranaki Herald, 11 June 1894, Page 2
Some good stories are told in the Report on the Importation of Foreign Meat, and they all go to show that colonial meat ought to be marked in some way which shall prevent its being sold by unscrupulous butchers as British. Whether it is better or worse is not the point. It is certain that a great deal of fraud goes on. A gentleman who had bought a leg of mutton as the best Scotch found inside the bone a piece of paper on which was written, Where did you buy this leg? Please inform So-and-so, Canterbury, New Zealand.

Star, 12 March 1910, Page 6
A mild sensation has been caused by the report that John Whelan, who is said to have disappeared under extraordinary circumstances at Okain's Bay in January, has turned up at Timaru. John Whelan was in Lyttelton the day the police received news of the affair on the Peninsula, and his presence in this vale of misery is well known to the authorities. He is now suspected of being in receipt of a certain amount of hero-Worship as the central figure in a remarkable case, but he is really the wrong man. The lost individual was Henry Whelan, a native of Tasmania, who was fairly well known in Christchurch and Lyttelton, having been employed at Coker's Hotel, Christchurch, and at the British Hotel, Lyttelton. There is still a possibility that he has re-appeared, and the police will be glad to hear from anyone who can give any information as to his whereabouts.

NZ Truth, 22 April 1922, Page 1
Timaru "'Erald" went on a wild and woolly jazz last week and splashed itself, all over the earth in an effort to look correct and at the same time disguise its identity. "Wherefore it told a discriminating public that: Jacobi in a statement read in the police court, said: "I went to Lady White's room, for money. She gave a slight chriek. I got the wind up and twice hit her on the head with a hammer. I then went back to bed." Good job the chriek wasn't a fierce one or Jacobi might not have gone back to bed.

Auckland Star, 18 February 1928, Page 2
It is said that at Timaru two young men who were loudly remarking upon the appearance of the half-naked girls upon the beach were "told off" by three policemen who "rose up out of the water." Timaru must be a catchy place for lawbreakers. Submarine police! Air and land and water Johns! What chance is there for a bloke these days?  

Police Notebook 2014 - misdemeanour and literature, dancing together in Timaru for 150 merry years.

Timaru Herald, 28 July 1887, Page 2
A very dreadful thing happened yesterday afternoon; Dr MacIntyre's well-known bay carriage-horse actually struck work! The cause of the horse sticking-up is so far a mystery, but he showed most unmistakeably that the relations with his driver were to say the least, very strained. At last Dr MacIntyre, Hogg and Lovegrove, held a consultation, and the former going to the horse's head, and the driver swearing by the beard of the Prophet, the horse once more consented to do his proper work, much to the relief of the medical gentlemen named, and to the amusement of many onlookers.  

It was the Cat

A funny thing happened during service at the Anglican Church, Geraldine, last Sunday. During prayers a cat calmly walked into the church, and, finding its way to the chancel mounted the railings thereof and faced the congregation as though monarch of all he surveyed. Thinking, no doubt, that this position was hardly romantic enough for him, he then got down amongst the congregation once more, and springing on to the back of a churchwarden, grabbed him round the neck. The churchwarden thereupon rose and emptied puss into the vestry and closed the door. The churchwarden could hardly have done a worse thing, for the moment the lay-reader commenced his sermon the cat set up a howl, and the louder the lay reader read the louder became the howl. When the reader read, 'He that hath ears to hear, let him hear,' pussy said ' me-ow,' and at every point brought out in the sermon pussy followed it up with what seemed to be a specially-emphasised 'meow,' on a higher or lower key to suit the point. At last the churchwarden grew desperate, and, going into the vestry, took the howling cat by the nape of the neck and flung the animal headlong out of the back door. The cat, however, was intent on having a first seat in the sanctuary, and presently reappeared through the main front door of the church, to the wonder of everybody. And yes no one seems to have sympathised with the cat for expressing disapprobation of a bucolic sermon. Even a cat has its feelings.

Timaru Herald 8/9/2014 It was the cat.
The thefts began about six months ago and baffled the owners of the water-lily pads. They are just plastic water-lily pads that sit around on the ponds and the first few that were taken were really grotty. We just could not understand why anyone would want to steal them. The Orfords decided to do some detective work. We put a length of cotton string from one side of the driveway to another, but the string never broke and the pads kept going missing. They then put some talcum powder around the pond to see if it was an animal. We saw some paw prints, but we could not get hold of the culprit. It was beginning to keep us up at night. The couple went to the $2 shop and bought more water-lily pads to restock their pond. We put a note at the bottom of the pads saying ‘we would love to know where our water-lily pads are going to. No offence,' and our number." M. Noone called. Over the past year, every couple of weeks, Noone would wake up to find a water-lily pad at her doorstep. "Our cats were going out under the cover of darkness and bringing back the lily pads. They brought at least 20 in the past year and we did not know where they were getting them from." The last one they brought back had the note attached and the rest as they say, is history.

Press, 26 May 1916, Page 3
It is reported that wild pigs are again becoming numerous among the foothill gullies, and several parties have been out recently with the object of lessening their numbers. In the vicinity of Peel Forest seven were killed in the course of a day's hunting, and on Monday a party of three accounted for eleven pigs and a wild bull, near Pleasant Gully. A red stag has been seen in this part of the country, but from "information received"' it is quite probable he has now ceased to exist.

Evening Post, 4 September 1943, Page 6
An amusing episode in an Auckland restaurant was provided by two overseas servicemen, who protested volubly against the mutton and seasoning they were served with after they had ordered colonial goose. They said they had expected real goose and not this typically New Zealand dish.

Evening Post, 6 November 1929, Page 10 The Unquenchable Scot.
Aberdeen's monopoly of the Scottish joke industry is threatened, there being a distinct challenge from Otago. In telling of the popularity of the Railway Department's hired pillows on the long distance trains, the "New Zealand Railways Magazine" records: "A member of the Scots community at Dunedin booked for the first time by the 'Night Express' to Christchurch recently.' Shortly after the journey commenced the train attendant went through the ordinary carriages with a supply of these pillows. 'How much?' asked the Dunedin man. 'One shilling,' was the reply. 'I'll take three'- said M'Tavish instantly. This rather staggered the attendant, so he diffidently asked why three were wanted by one man. 'Can't we keep them?' said M'Tavish."' The above is cruel enough, but the "Railways Magazine" editor is ruthless.- He goes on to picture M'Tavish buying a holiday excursion, ticket at a southern railway station, whereupon the following dialogue takes place between the ticket-seller and the Scot: Ticket-seller: "Fairlie? Yes. Change at Timaru, sir." Scot: 'Na, na, laddie, I'll no wait— I'll ha'e it noo."

Timaru Herald, 29 January 1877, Page 4 THE COUNTY OF GERALDINE.
(Otago Daily Times.) Perhaps there is hardly any more amusing reading to be found just now than the reports of the meetings of the various County Councils. There is something very ludicrous in the way in which the honest Englishman finds himself for once compelled to turn bush lawyer and endeavor to translate Acts and clauses concerning which he is totally inexperienced. In some cases the members have expressed themselves as totally unable to expound the mysteries of the three measures. In these, which are the really hopeful instances, a resolve has been come to postpone the question until they have got more light. In the case of Geraldine, instructed by the County paper, the members of the Council resolved to commit hari kari and die. They met and parted, having resolved not to bring the Act into force. Concerning the wisdom of this course we have nothing to say very probably it was wise, possibly it was foolish, but at least a very small particle of common sense would have taught the members that they could not be both dead and alive. They resolved at their first meeting not to bring the County Act into force, and yet they were, guilty of the indescribable folly of meeting on another day, not being the thirty-first of March, to discuss things m general, and their own condition in particular. Before the "barney" was begun, the Chairman spoke a few words of, sound common sense, and warned the other members that there were only certain things which the Council was entitled to discuss. His remonstrance had no effect. The members set to work to discuss all the affairs of the County, roads, bridges, &c., especially bridges, as if they had passed no resolution declining to bring the County Act into force. This was certainly silly, enough, but the result of some of the discussions was so wonderful that it puts the primary folly into the shade entirely. A Mr Cooper asked the Chairman his opinion re the main bridges. "He had noticed a gap in the Orari Bridge, and he did not know whether it was the General Government's or the Road Board's business to repair it." The Chairman said, The Geraldine Road" Board, he knew, would have nothing whatever to do with the bridge, as it had not been handed over to them. As these bridges were for the good and use of the whole of Canterbury, they ought to be maintained by the General Government." Mr Russell "considered it would be advisable for the Chairman to apply to the Colonial Secretary for information as to the position the Council were in as regarded the bridges." Mr Acton's contribution to the discussion was a little more valuable He remarked that he had spoken to Mr Hall, the Government Agent, about the matter, and he had pooh-poohed the idea of the Government repairing the bridges." Of course, as we have said again and again, the whole question of the effects of Abolition are of a kind that will only come home to people after a little time, and we are never surprised that these are perpetually found to be more disagreeable than had been supposed. Still it does seem odd that in a district which has steadily supported the new state of things, which, has been almost unanimous, as we had supposed, in thinking that change a good one, the immediate effects were so little anticipated. We can only say that we doubt very much if there is County Council or Road Board m the whole length and breadth of Otago which is so entirely ignorant of the meaning and working of the County Council. The Geraldine people seem to think that they are to have a beneficent fatherly Government still, which is to do for them every tiling that seems a little hard or expensive. Benighted creatures they may apply to the Colonial Secretary, though, by the way, we should have supposed that the Minister of Public Works would have been more to the purpose but they will apply in vain, to get the expense of repairing the Orari bridge taken off their shoulders. Mr Russell, another member, m his bland innocence, supposed that the Government would repair the bridges, because the Road Boards never had had anything to do with them." This is just it: The Geraldine people have not begun to recognise the change that has come over the spirit of their dream. "What has been shall be" is their motto, and they cannot understand that they will have to do things for themselves, and at their own cost, now that they have abolished Provincialism. The melancholy knowledge will soon come home to them after they have made half a dozen applications to the Colonial Secretary in vain. When this has come to pass they will probably awake to the consciousness of what unutterable fools they have been, and will begin to understand that Abolition for those who had anything to lose has been anything but a paying game. Having carefully studied the annals of the Geraldine Council, we are in a position to say that local self-government, as illustrated by them, is not likely to prove the salvation of the Colony.

Timaru Herald, 10 March 1884, Page 2 A Screw Loose.
A rather amusing incident was witnessed on Saturday morning at the corner of Beswick street and the Main North Road. A person went to get a drink at the fountain at the corner, and not being experienced in such things, he unscrewed the tap instead of turning it properly. The result was that after giving it about a couple of turns the immense pressure of water forced the tap clean out and sent it flying some fifteen or twenty yards. The difficulty then arose of stopping the water, which spurted right across Beswick street. One person tried to screw the tap m again, but after a few ineffectual attempts lie desisted, but not before he had got thoroughly drenched. One of the corporation men next forced a cork m, but it remained m only a few seconds. A well-known tradesmen of the locality then appeared on the scene, armed with a mallet and a pointed piece of chair leg, and inserting this, quickly drove it home, and thus dammed the spring. Considerable excitement prevailed during the scene, and quite a large crowd collected.

New Zealand Tablet,
13 September 1889, Page 20
September 9, 1889. For some time past Temuka has been kept very lively with entertainments, socials, lectures, and so forth. I am sorry to have to state that the lecture by Mr. Thomas Bracken on the " Boyne Water ; or, Orange and Green," was a failure, as far as the attendance was concerned. The subject was treated by Mr. Bracken in a manner which displayed that gentleman's great ability, and throughout the lecture was very instructive and interesting. Mr. Bracken also recited with great dramatic effect several appropriate pieces of poetry, including " The Charge of the Light Brigade," and "Ninety Eight." The lecture was free from offence to either Catholic or Protestant.

Marlborough Express, 2 June 1896, Page 3
The rat which, as recorded at Timaru last week, left both his eyes in a steel trap, has been frequently seen by day about the premises where it met with so remarkable an accident, and it was observed that its head bears no marks of scarifying or other injury. Although eyeless the rat runs about apparently as well as though it could see, and never misjudges the entrance of his shelter. In view of the untoward operation to which it was subjected, the poor wretch is being treated as a pensioner. It is full grown, and appears to be an old one.

Evening Express — 8 November 1898
THE DUCK THAT WALKED. WADDLED ACROSS COUNTRY TO ITS OLD HOME. New Zealand is justly proud of a wonderful duck, whose exploits are told in a letter by Mr J. M. Ritchie, of Balvraid. Dunedin. This duck was of the Paradise variety. It lived at a sheep station 21 miles from Timaru, Canterbury, where its owner, a housekeeper, had clipped its wings so that it should not fly. When the housekeeper changed to a new place she took the duck with her in a basket by train to Timaru, by another train for 95 miles, and in a coach ten miles to her new home. Soon the duck which had been liberated from its basket, was missed and mourned for as lost. Some time after the housekeeper visited her old home, and was astonished to see the duck swimming on its familiar pond. That it had slowly and painfully waddled 120 miles was obvious. But how did it find the way through a rough and hilly country?

Otago Witness 7 August 1907, Page 32
NORTH v. SOUTH. (From Our Own Correspondent.) WELLINGTON, July 30.
An amusing passage-of-arms took place between the members for Geraldine (Mr Flatman) and Kaipara (Mr Stallworthy) today. During the time set apart for the giving of notices of questions Mr Flatman gave notice to ask the Prime Minister whether the- attention of the Government had been drawn to the fact that at a. meeting lately held by the Auckland Chamber of Commerce that body of gentlemen strongly commented upon the cost of the Arthur's Pass tunnel, and carried a resolution urging the Auckland members to united action to secure a fair and just allocation to the Auckland provincial district of moneys for railways and other public works, and vigorously protecting against the expenditure sanctioned for the Arthur's Pass tunnel, and if such a resolution had been forwarded to the Prime Minister will the Government deal with it according to its merits and consign it to the waste paper basket— (laughter),— and at the same time intimate to that body of gentlemen that they cannot hope to successfully rule New Zealand (cries of "Oh! oh!")— in such an arbitrary, unjust, and despotic manner."— (Cries of "Oh! oh!" and loud laughter.) Mr Stallworthy followed up Mr Flatman's question immediately afterwards by giving notice to ask the Prime Minister Whether he will give the resolution of the Auckland Chamber of Commerce the fullest consideration that their right of free speech demands, and place the question just given notice of by the member for Geraldine on the Noxious weeds heap?*' This question was also greeted with considerable laughter.

NZ Truth 11 November 1911, Page 1
Temuka "Leader" last Saturday, owing to pressure of space, held over its leading article. No one missed it.

NZ Truth 17 April 1915, Page 1
"Critic" got a lift from Orari to Geraldine with, a farmer the other day. The horse was something of a problem. It would jog along for a short distance, then stop, and the hayseed, would have difficulty in getting it to move again. At the fourteenth stop, "Critic" asked the farmer if the horse was sick, or naturally balky. To which the hayseed replied, "Naw, he's afraid I'll say 'whoa!' and he won't hear me, so he Just stops now and again, to- listen."

Timaru Herald, 22 April 1916, Page 3
Mess Cook —'Ere Bill next time you send up a crate of chickens, see that they don't get loose. I've spent hours scouring the neighbourhood, and only been able to find ten. Orderly.— 'Ush'Erb, 'ush. I only sent yer six.

The Canberra Times Thursday 7 October 1926  A PROLIFIC DUCK.
Over 12 months ago a Waimate (New Zealand) woman bought a duck for one shilling, with the intention of serving it up for dinner eventually on some special occasion. Upon arrival at its new home, however, the bird immediately, made its first contribution towards its keep, an egg being found in the yard. It was then agreed that the death sentence should be commuted. The act of clemency has well repaid the bird's owner, who for 305 consecutive days has been presented by her duck with an egg a day. This must be something in the nature of a record and the bird is said to be still maintaining her output. Many breeders have tried to induce the fortunate owner to part with the paragon duck, but offers of £l and over have been resolutely declined.

New Zealand Herald, 15 February 1930, Page 8
Having received a very long poem, an editor wrote a mild remonstrance to the contributor. You really must send shorter verse!" was the conclusion of the letter. The reply came: "I enclose you a little filing, short and to the point' The Ballad of the Tradesman'—' Trust- Bust

Stuff motoring 29/08/2014
Portaloose: Trailer on the runs
A Timaru driver discovered a new meaning of the phrase code brown yesterday afternoon. A four-wheel-drive was pulling a portaloo trailer on State Highway 1 near Washdyke when the trailer broke free. The trailer rolled backwards to the side of the road, hit a ditch and flipped over. Constable Jan Gibbs said she could imagine the word that came out of the driver's mouth. She was unable to say if there were any skid marks.

Queensland road sign 

1st Nov. 2012 The Geraldine News
To whom it may concern (because it greatly concerns me!):
I have become increasingly distressed recently, reading the letters in The Geraldine News regarding a certain lawn-mower and his “barking” dog (paw ole me), so am writing to set the record straight.
It is not my choice at all to be dragged around jobs every day of the week, including Sundays. I totally agree that Sunday should be a day of rest, but it’s a dog’s life and I try to make the best of it. Only the other week I read on the front of your paper that “singing is good for the soul”. I heartily agree, and that is why on Sundays you will hear my joyful hymn-singing harmonising with the sound of my master’s mowing instrument. I continue this accompaniment through the week, having noticed that men no longer whistle while they work, and being unable to whistle (or speak Maori), I encourage my master in the only way a dog can. I am truly sorry for those I have driven barking mad by my doggerel, but it may help if they do what I do when feeling low – go lie down and have a whine.
The Dog
(translated and transcribed by RB) 

Extinct broken

Wedding Bells

Auckland Star, 2 December 1901, Page 2
A Temuka lady (reports the "Leader") received on her wedding day a present of £2. She asked her husband what she should do with it, and he said "Invest it in a Tattersall's sweep." She did so, and drew two horses, with the result that she is now £260 wealthier than, when she invested her £2.

Ashburton Guardian 11 April 1904 Page 2
A Final Sprint.— An amusing incident occurred in connection with the marriage of a well known amateur running man in South Canterbury the other day. The gentleman in question, accompanied by his best man, was on a six miles cab journey to the church where the "knot" was to be tied; About two miles of the trip had been covered in good style, when all of a sudden, off came a wheel of the cab! The chances of reaching the church in time looked pretty desperate, but a running man, who has breasted the tape so many times as this particular bridegroom had, is not to be daunted by difficulties. The horse was quickly got out of the shafts, and was mounted by both bridegroom and best man, who rode the animal to a very game finish, and arrived at the church, a little muddy and bespattered perhaps, but still "in time." This little run against time will probably be long remembered by the parties concerned.

Otago Witness 26 June 1907 Page 71
Anxious Parent: "Doctor, my daughter appears to be going blind, and she is about to be married."
Doctor: "Let her go right on with the wedding. If anything can open her eyes, marriage will."

The formula for a happy marriage?  It's the same as the one for living in Napier. When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.

NZ Truth 18 January 1908 Page 1
A bridegroom nearly made a mess of things the other day down at Fairlie, which is adjacent to Timaru. It was his turn to say "I will," and at the fateful moment he dropped like a pole-axed bullock, but was eventually fixed up to toe the scratch. It transpires that the happy person had been grafting like a n..... of late, and on his wedding morning didn't buoy himself up with a hearty breakfast. The man who sets out on a life-long journey without nourishment of some kind must be a nervous sort of cuss. "Critic" hopes he will get his meals more regular now.

Observer, Volume 02 2 November 1892 Page 21 Alas! Poor Fellow.
First Girl: 'I hear you are going to be married, Maud. I thought you had definitely decided not to wed. Why, you told me you despised men."
'Yes, so I do; but I have taken some cookery lessons and don't want to waste them.'

South Canterbury NZGenWeb Project

Cattle stop, Benmore Dam 

NZ Farmer 30 Jan. 2017
Bull attacks Canterbury man, a German Shepherd farm dog jumps in twice and saves his him.
No bull! As for the bull, a truck took him off to the works on Monday.
What a faithful dog. German Shepherds are great dogs. Hope he gets some steak out of the bull.
That dog deserves a DB. . . .umm. . er. . I mean a bone.
Or a filet steak from that bull.
Been a lot of farm dogs over the years come to the rescue of  their owner, domesticated farm animals are not pets, don't compare them to your pet lap dog.
The Bull ended up in the right place, done it once it will do it again, obviously some people have no idea about these animals or working dogs.
Once a bull has the lack of fear of a human to attack, there is no coming back, there really is only one outcome.... There are plenty more bulls to breed from, hopefully without as much of an aggressive nature.
Hopefully the farmer has the last laugh. Beef stew or something for tea.
Your best friend well always look after you, lovely mate. 
Well done, Bear. Good boy!

Ashburton Guardian, 3 December 1889, Page 2
"Tell me not in mournful numbers"
Advertising doesn't pay,
For the man's -non compos mentis
Who would such absurd things say,

"Life is real! Life is earnest!"
And the man who hopes to rise
To success in any calling
Must expect to advertise.

"In the world's broad field of battle,"
In the conflict of real life,
Advertising is the secret,
Of achievement in the strife.

"Lives of great men all remind us"
We can make our lives sublime,
And by liberal advertising,
To the highest summit climb.
("Temuka Leader.")

South Canterbury NZGenWeb Project 

A man always feels put out when he is taken in.