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BRANT COUNTY, ONTARIO HUMOUR

You know you are from Brantford when:

You know Dunsdon Street and Dundas Street are different - not misspellings!

You know that Tutela Heights and Tutela Park are not anywhere near each other

Someone in your family is addicted to Bingo

You attended Grade 13 Day at Pinehurst (especially if you went to Pauline Johnson!)

You wouldn't consider ordering pizza from anywhere but Marias

You remember Dirty Dan the Discount Man both in Eagle Place and in the last location -- the old Canadian Tire before it moved to the old Gambles.

You remember Gambles Department Store before it was the Canadian Tire

You know at least 20 real estate agents by their first name

You remember Towers Department Store before it was Zellers

You know the difference between Park Avenue, North Park Street, Park Road North, Parkside Drive

You know Gordon Guscott is not the name of a lawyer or mayor or mortician - it is a grocery store

You have a heart condition from eating at Admiral Submarine (Gus's).

You remember when the Brantford Red Sox could win.

You remember when you could actually shop downtown.

You remember when there were only 15 Tim Horton's in town.

If you call the New Library - Woolworths.

If you call the Eatons Center - Market Square.

If you call Walmart - Woolco.

If you call the Brantford Mall - Woolco Mall.

If you call the Wayne Gretzky Center - North Park Arena

If you met your wife at McDonalds on King George Road.

If you know the Red Sox are really from Brantford not that place in the states.

YOU HAD YOUR WEDDING PICTURES TAKEN AT GLENHYRST GARDENS.

YOU HAVE HAD A DRINK AT BOTH POLISH HALLS.

YOU REMEMBER WAYNE GRETZKY AS A LACROSSE PLAYER.

YOU SURVIVED EAGLE PLACE.

YOU SAW WRESTLING AT THE ARMORIES

YOU WALKED OVER THE GREY AND BLACK TRAIN BRIDGES

IT'S PRONOUNCED DAL-LOO-SEY, NOT DAL-HOUSIE

WALTER AND PHYLLIS LIVE ON VARADI DRIVE

DOUGHNUTS AREN'T JUST FOR BREAKFAST

THE CITY'S POPULATION, ACCORDING TO THE ROAD SIGNS, IS EXACTLY 82,001

FRENCH FRIES FROM A CHIP WAGON AREN'T RIGHT WITHOUT VINEGAR

HARDY ROAD,TOLLGATE ROAD, FAIRVIEW DRIVE AND LYNDEN ROAD ARE ALL THE SAME ROAD

THERE WON'T BE A LINE UP AT THE MOVIES

CANADIAN TIRE MONEY IS AS REAL AS REAL MONEY

IT'S PRONOUNCED BRANT-FURD, NOT BRANT-FORD,NO MATTER WHAT THE RADIO STATION SAYS

WILFRID LAURIER'S BRANTFORD CAMPUS IS IN "THE OLD LIBRARY"

JAMES HILLIER, THOMAS COTAIN, PAULINE JOHNSON ARE THE NAMES OF SCHOOLS THEY ARE ALSO FAMOUS PEOPLE

YOU'E GOT TO GET TO THE MARKET SATURDAY BEFORE 9 A.M.TO GET THE GOOD STUFF

THE 403 IS A HIGHWAY BUILT TO FACILITATE TRAVEL TO PRINCETON

WHICH BEER STORE IS OPEN LATE

WHERE YOU CAN PARK FOR 2 FREE HOURS DOWNTOWN AND WHAT TIME THE PARKING ATTENDANTS MAKE THEIR ROUNDS

WHAT MAKES YOU A "BRANTFORDITE"

MORE THAN ONCE YOU'VE RECEIVED MAIL ADDRESSED TO SOMEONE WITH A SIMILAR NAME IN BRADFORD OR BRAMPTON

YOUR GRANDFATHER WORKED AT MASSEY'S OR COCKSHUTT'S

WHEN TRAVELING AND MEET SOMEONE FROM BRANTFORD,YOU ASK WHICH HIGH SCHOOL THEY WENT TO

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S ODD THAT WEST STREET RUNS EAST AND WEST,NORTH AND SOUTH

YOU BELIEVE THE EXPOSITOR'S SPORTS DEPARTMENT FAVOURS A HIGH SCHOOL OTHER THAN THE ONE YOU WENT TO

GARDEN CENTRES ARE A NIGHT OUT

A TRIP TO THE BIG CITY MEANS HAMILTON

SOMEONE YOU KNOW WORKS AT A CALL CENTRE

YOU WATCH BRANTFORD CITY COUNCIL ON CABLE JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN

YOU KNOW SOMEONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GIVE UP SMOKING

YOU CHECK OUT THE JUNK YOUR NEIGHBORS PUT OUT FOR GARBAGE PICKUP

EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE WITH THE CASINO,YOU TOOK VISITORS TO SEE IT BECAUSE THEY WERE CURIOUS

AS A CHILD, YOU SAT ON THE LIONS ON THE FRONT STEPS OF THE POST OFFICE

HALF THE TIME, YOU CALL THE SANDERSON CENTRE THE CAPITOL THEATRE

ARNOLD ANDERSON READ YOUR NAME ON THE RADIO

AS A TEENAGER YOU KNEW THE PATHS THROUGH THE BUSHES ALONG THE GRAND RIVER

YOU GOT THE INTERNET SPECIFICALLY TO VOTE FOR JIMMY"ICEMAN" MACNEIL AS ZAMBONI DRIVER OF THE YEAR

YOU HAD YOUR PHOTO TAKEN WHILE SITTING ON THE LIONS IN FRONT OF THE POST OFFICE

YOU KNOW THAT THE NUMBER OF TIM HORTON’S IS DIRECTLY CORELATED TO THE NUMBER OF BRANTFORD CITIZENS THAT HAVE POSTERS OF BON JOVI OR HARLEYS LAMINATED ON MAPLE IN THEIR LIVING ROOMS.

YOU KNOW THAT GOING TO CENTRAL SCHOOL FOR TECH, WHEN YOU DIDN’T ATTEND THERE AS A STUDENT, WAS ONE OF THE SEVEN LEVELS OF HELL, AND THAT IT BURNED DOWN BECAUSE OF ITS CLOSE PROXIMITY TO SATAN’S FIERY DOMAIN.

YOU KNOW THAT JUMPING FROM THE OLD LORNE BRIDGE WOULD MAKE YOU FAMOUS. DEAD, BUT FAMOUS.

YOU KNOW THAT TOWERS WAS THE PRECURSOR TO DOLLAR STORES.

YOU KNOW THAT UNCLE VIC GENERALLY SOLD ONLY GOLDEN WEDDING AND CANADIAN.

YOU KNOW CANADA’S NATIONAL SPORT ISN’T HOCKEY.

YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU SAID YOU SAW A FISH IN MOHAWK LAKE THAT YOU SHOULD STOP TAKING HALLUCINOGENS. IF YOU SWAM IN MOHAWK LAKE YOU SHOULD START TAKING CIPRO IMMEDIATELY.

YOU KNOW MAIN STREET SHOULD ACTUALLY BE CALLED BREAKNECK HILL.

YOU KNOW THAT WHATEVER TUNE YOU WHISTLE IN THE TRAIN STATION IT’S GONNA MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE THE BEST DAMN WHISTLER IN THE WORLD.

YOU KNOW THAT ONE DAY YOU HOLLERED, “SCRAMBLE” AND THREW AWAY ENOUGH SPORTS CARDS ON THE PLAYGROUND TO MAKE BILL GATES LOOK LIKE A MIDDLE-INCOME EARNER.

YOU KNOW THAT STRATEGICALLY PLACING A HAIR, WITH THE AID OF SOME BATHROOM SOAP, ALONG YOUR PALM BEFORE YOU GOT THE STRAP MEANT THAT YOUR HAND WOULD SPLIT OPEN AND YOU COULD SUE THE SCHOOL AND NEVER HAVE TO WORK ANOTHER DAMN DAY IN YOUR LIFE. HAH! SO THERE.

YOU KNOW THAT SOAKING A CHESTNUT IN VINEGAR OVERNIGHT ISN’T WHAT HELPED YOU WIN AT CONKERS. IT WAS SOMEBODY’S DAD THAT HELPED FILL THE WINNER WITH CEMENT.

YOU THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY COOL, THOUGH PUZZLING, THAT BRANTFORD HAD A STATUE OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN ON MARKET STREET.

YOU KNOW THAT THE BEST CHIP WAGON WAS THE WOZONEK’S, THE ONE BUILT ON THE PALE GREEN PLYMOUTH FURY, AND THAT HAD VINEGAR IN COKE BOTTLE DISPENSERS.

YOU KNOW THAT THE GREEN METAL MESH LITTER BASKETS THAT USED TO HANG ON THE POLES DOWNTOWN HAD LITTLE CARTOON LITTERBUGS ON THEM.

YOU KNOW THAT OXYGEN IN A BINGO HALL IS MEASURED IN PARTS PER BILLION.

YOU SIGNED A PETITION TO GET BINGO ADMITTED AS AN OLYMPIC SPORT, KNOWING THAT IT MIGHT BRING MILLIONS TO THE CITY AS A ‘TRAINING VILLAGE.’

YOU’VE SHOPPED AT HEINBUCK’S, BUT FLED FEARING THAT THE MOUNTAINS OF JUNK MIGHT COLLAPSE ON YOU AT ANY TIME.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN THERE WAS WATER ALONG WATER STREET.

YOU RECOGNIZE SOMEBODY’S NAME IN THE EXPOSITOR’S ‘IN THE COURTS’ COLUMN REGULARLY. MAYBE EVEN YOURS!

YOU KNOW THAT THE GRAND RIVER REALLY WILL “KILL YA” JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER WARNED.

YOUR MOTHER BOUGHT YOU SNEAKERS FROM DIRTY DAN’S.

YOU KNOW THAT SOME OF THE WAITRESSES AT THE COWBOY SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN GIVEN THOSE DALLAS CHEERLEADER OUTFITS. YIKES!

YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE STILL EXPOSED RAIL LINES IN EAGLE PLACE FROM BRANTFORD’S ELECTRIC STREET RAILWAY, AND THERE ARE IRON RINGS IN SOME SIDEWALKS IN EAST WARD WHERE YOU COULD TETHER YOUR HORSE.

YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DON’T QUALIFY ‘BRANTFORD’ BY REMINDING PEOPLE IT’S ‘WHERE THE PHONE WAS INVENTED’ YOU FEEL INCOMPLETE SOMEHOW.

YOU KNOW THAT THE ARAGON RESTAURANT’S INTERIOR MUST HAVE BEEN FASHIONED AFTER A ROOM IN GRACELAND.

YOU KNOW THAT AN OUTING AT BEN MAR WILL PROBABLY NECESSITATE A TETANUS SHOT DUE TO THAT DAMNED WINDMILL.

YOU KNOW THAT THE CHIMNEY COMING OUT OF THE SPCA BUILDING ON LOCK STREET ISN’T FOR A WOODBURNING STOVE.

YOU KNOW THAT THOSE PINK PILLS WE WERE GIVEN AT SCHOOL, ALONG WITH TOOTHBRUSHES AND TOOTHPASTE, WEREN’T TO DETECT TARTAR AT ALL. THEY WERE CHROMIUM TO COUNTERACT “THE BIG SPILL OF ’72.”

SECRETLY YOU WISH YOU HAD STOLEN THE WEAPONS FROM THE VICTORIA PARK STATUES BEFORE THAT JERK FROM CAMBRIDGE HAD.

YOU KNOW THAT LIVING ON ROSE AVE. INCREASED YOUR CHANCES 400% THAT YOU’D DIE AT THE HANDS OF YOUR SPOUSE.

YOU KNOW THAT FROM THE AIR THE EATON’S CENTER IS SHAPED LIKE A LARGE WHITE ELEPHANT.

YOU KNOW WHERE THE ORIGINAL CANADIAN TIRE STORE WAS.

YOU KNOW WHERE GAMBLE’S DEPARTMENT STORE WAS.

You know you're from Brantford if you've had the pleasure of dining and dashing from the Aragon Restaurant.

You remember the year when Birketts Lane was flooded so bad, people evacuated their homes in canoes.

You remember the monster fire which burnt up one full block on George Street from Dalhousie to Colborne.

You'll also remember when five downtown hotels mysteriously burnt down consecutively one after the other: one being the Belmont! (eeeewwww that smell!)

You remember Silverwoods Dairy

You know about the curse on the Market Square which dictates nothing built upon that land will ever prosper (has it ever?)

You were chased from a bush party by the O.P.P

You know you are in Brantford when all you need to be a great window dresser for downtail retail stores is plywood, a couple of nails and a hammer.

You know you are in Brantford when you remember that Gus's Admiral Sub used to be the Hub and after you took your swimming lesson at the Y you went
there for candy

it rains for a week straight so you know the carnival is in town

you remember the Sunset AND the Breezes Drive-in theaters

You swam at Earl Haig Pool (both the big and little pool)

You dove off the high board at Earl Haig Pool

You wanted to win the Shetland Pony at the Brantford Bison game (same one every year!)

You played School League Hockey at the two outdoor rinks at Earl Haig

You know Our Lady of Fatima School was on the outskirts of town.

Mrs. Walker taught your entire family how to write in grade three (and she still can!)

Eagle Place fish 'n chips made you glad you were Catholic.

You played PAL floor hockey at Princess Elizabeth School

You were there when the Civic Center opened

The company picnic was always at Mohawk Park

You're from Brantford if you ever had Miss Willoughy for math at BCI

You bought your plants at Folger's Greenhouse on Birketts Lane.

You bought your used lumber at Mezzaro's wrecking yard on Birketts Lane

Courtesy of Eric Marsh, Susan Wichrowski, Paul Maloney, Penny Faragher, Sue Snow, Ruth Beisheim Kim Webber and David Edwards currently living in Abu Dahbi and reminiscing about home.

GOT ANY MORE? EMAIL THEM TO THE COUNTY COORDINATOR!

 
 

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