Transcribed By Bob Morrow
April 5, 1951
(continued from last week)
And then there was the preacher who went to the store and asked for a dress or Sunday shirt, by which they were called in Cal's boyhood. The merchant asked, "What size shirt do you wear?" And did the merchant have a good laugh when the preacher replied, "I wear a 38 coat, I will want a 36 shirt."
And there was the preacher who preached a "looming" sermon from the words, "Be ye temperate in all things," after announcing to his congregation, "You will find my text in the New Testament." But it is not "thar."
And there was the colored preacher who was about to immerse a candidate for baptism. Some mean white folks had told the young Negro candidate, "We will give you a half dollar if you will trip the preacher and cause him to fall in the creek." The money was paid and the white folks were on hand to get their money's worth, but the old preacher was smarter than they thought he was. As the Negro youth was laid "beneath the waves," he reached forth a hand and took the old preacher by the leg of his pants, aiming to upset him in the pool. But the preacher just held the young man under the water until he turned loose the pant leg and then lifted him up to where he could get some fresh air. The "tripper" had a lot of respect after that for the preacher who had nearly drowned him.
And there was the preacher who gave a definition of phenomenon. Said he, "De cow is not a phenomenon. De mocking bird is not a phenomenon. De steam whistle is not a phenomenon. But if you should see a cow sitting on a steam whistle and singing like a mocking bird, that, brudderin, would be a phenomenon." And we are sure he was right.
And there was the preacher who was going to preach the greatest (?) sermon of his life, who announced, "Brudderin, I'se gwine to preach the biggest sermon you done ever heared, I'se gwine to define the undefinable, I'se gwine to explain the unexplainable; and I'se gwine to unscrew the unscrutable." This would have been a whale of a sermon, but the word "unscrew" as applied to unscrutable," is entirely out of order. The word he was trying to say was "inscrutable," which means past fading out.
And there was the preacher who quoted Acts 20:9 -- "And there sat in a window a certain young man named Eutychus, being fallen into a deep sleep; and, as Paul was long preaching, he sunk down with sleep, and fell down from the third loft and they went down and took up twelve baskets full of the fragments."
And there was the preacher who quoted Matt. 27:5 -- "And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. Go, and do thou likewise." All that was quoted was Scripture, but it was not rightly divided.
And there was the preacher who was called up one cold winter night and asked to marry a couple. Finally, after the old minister had burned all his kindling, the ceremony was said and the new bridegroom stepped up to the old preacher and asked his charge. The old gentleman replied, "One dollar," whereupon the groom said he did not have the money. Then the old brother said sternly and in commanding voice, "Stand up, young man, and I will unmarry you." It is needless to say that the money was forthcoming at once.