Genealogy Humor

sometimes, we just need to laugh a little...
 

Here lies the body of Mary Jones

Who died through eating cherry stones

Her name was Smith not Mary Jones

But Smith don't rhyme with cherry stones

* * * * *

Written by Brian <brianfur@breathemail.net> Previously published by Julia M. Case and Myra
Vanderpool Gormley, CG, Missing Links, Vol. 5, No. 39, 27 September 2000. RootsWeb: http://www.rootsweb.com/
* * * * *
 


Ahh...those old pioneer letters

author unknown

Dear Son:

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts I it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, up she comes.

About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the cemetery.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off until he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time, nothin' much happened, Write more often.

Love,

Mom

P.S. Was going to send some money, but the envelop was sealed.


A Poem For Those Over 35

author unknown--contributed by Bill and Norma Dalton

 
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
 
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
 
Meg was the name of someone's girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
 
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
 
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
 
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
 
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
 
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
 
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
 
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
 
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
 
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
 
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
 
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
 
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
 
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.


Kinsman

(original poem by Wayne Hand, 1999)

Alas, my elusive kinsman
You've led me quite a chase
I thought I'd found your courthouse
But the Yankees burned the place.
You always kept your bags packed
Although you had no fame, and
Just for the fun of it
Twice you changed your name.
You never owed any man, or
At least I found no bills
In spite of eleven offspring
You never left a will.
They say our name's from Europe
Came state side on a ship
Either they lost the passenger list
Or granddad gave them the slip.
I'm the only one looking
Another searcher I can't find
I pray (maybe that's his fathers name)
As I go out of my mind.
They said you had a headstone
In a shady plot
I've been there twenty times, and
Can't even find the lot.
You never wrote a letter
Your Bible we can't find
It's probably in some attic
Out of sight and out of mind.
You first married a .....Smith
And just to set the tone
The other four were Sarahs
And everyone a Jones.
You cost me two fortunes
One of which I did not have
My wife, my house and Fido
God, how I miss that yellow lab.
But somewhere you slipped up,
Ole Boy, Somewhere you left a track
And if I don't find you this year
Well...... Next year I'll be back!


The Name Game
A researcher writes: "When searching for the surname LIZER, I inevitably
encounter three sisters: Ana, Breatha, and Ferti. Despite
exhaustive research, I cannot find the link between their family
and my grandfather, Nutri."
 

 


More Tombstone Inscriptions:

 
Played Five Aces,
Now Playing the Harp
(from Boot Hill Cemetery, Dodge City, Kansas)
 
+++++++++++++
 
Sacred to the Remains of
Jonathan Thompson
A Pious Christian and
Affectionate Husband
- -
His Disconsolate Widow
Continues to Carry on
His Grocery Business
At the Old Stand on
Main Street: Cheapest
and Best Prices in Town
 
++++++++++++
 
Here Lies the Body
Of Our Dear Anna
Done to Death
By a Banana:
It Wasn't the Fruit
That Dealt the Blow
But the Skin of the Thing
That Laid Her Low
 
++++++++++++
 
To the Green Memory of
William Hawkins
Gardener:
Planted Here
With Love and Care
by his
Grieving Colleagues
 
++++++++++++
 

For those interested in reading more epitaphs, visit "The Epitaph Browser" at:

http://www.alsirat.com/epitaphs/index.html


* * * * * * *

One Way to Handle Those "Problem" Ancestors
 
The Smiths were proud of their family story. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower.
The family tree included Senators as well as Wall Street millionaires.
They decided to compile a family history as a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
But as they gathered facts, a huge problem arose.
How could they possibly include that unwanted information about great-uncle George, who had been
EXECUTED IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR!!!
 
They hired a professional writer, who told them, "NO PROBLEM".
He promised to handle the story tactfully. And so he did.
The book was published, and here's what it said about Uncle George:
 
"Great-Uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution.
He was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and indeed his death came as a great shock."
* * * * * *

 

MORE NOTES FROM THE FAMILY HISTORY CENTER FILES...

~~ To the FHC, enclosed, please find my grandmother. I have worked on her for 50 years without success. Now see what you can do.

** I've looked for grandpa for over 20 years. Do you have him in your library?
~~ I am sorry we do not have complete families. The trouble here is extracting the children from the minister.
** For Sale: We have an antique desk just right for genealogy work and a lady, with thick legs, and large drawers.

You Know You're An Addicted Genealogist....

 
 

DID YOU KNOW? ...From a newspaper clipping (with, of course, no date or source) :-)

by June Logue, Correspondent
 
We are survivors! The definition of a survivor is anyone born before 1945.
We were born before credit cards, television, frozen foods, plastics, contact lenses, frisbees, and the pill.
We were before pantyhose, house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and computer marriages.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, artificial hearts, yogurt and guys wearing earrings.
We got married first and then lived together.
And having a meaningful relationship meant getting along well with our cousins.
How quaint can you be?
In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant junk, and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam.
In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable, grass was mowed,
Coke was a cold drink and pot was something you cooked in.
Rock music was Grandma's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the principal's office.
We hit the scene when you bought things for five and ten cents in the dime store.
For one nickel, you could make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail one letter and two post cards.
You could buy a new Chevy coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
A pity, too, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
We certainly were not before the differences between the sexes were discovered,
But we surely were before the sex change.
We made do with what we had.
And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby.
 

DO YOU REMEMBER?????????????

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with levers

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

> >
> >
If you remembered 0-5 You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!
...contributed by Anna Penny
 


~~ Corresponding by e-mail? Making the rounds are these brief codes that could be added to the subject line of a reply.

 
(CAAHINAATYQ) Cheap Attempt At Humor Included, Not an Answer to Your Question
(RITAI) Real intelligent, thoughtful answer included
(GIUITH) Give it up, it's too hard
(WWHBYMHY) We won't help because you might hurt yourself
(YBICI) You blew it, correction included
(GALL) Get a life, lamebrain
(DPI) Danger, pun included
(OTBIFCTST) Off topic, but I feel compelled to say this
(SCI) Spelling corrections included
(DROAPNI) Derogatory remarks of a personal nature included
(TIACATAL) This is a cheap attempt to appear literate
(AIBNTYQ) Answer included, but not to your question
(WDDHST) We don't do homework, so there
(IDRKBIAA) I don't really know, but I'll answer anyway
(DITWS) Do it this way, stupid
(WDYWTDTA) Why do you want to do that, anyway
(ASTLMIR) Answer space too large, more information required
(JPTGMNITT) Just posting to get my name in this thread
(CAOFMOB) Contains an apology for my offensive behavior
(MPAWABLOS) My previous answer was affected by lack of sleep
(ICIULRI) "I'm cool, I use Linux" remarks included
(THIAFSF) This is a request for something free
(IRTCMA) I refuse to code my answers
 
* * * * *
 
 

..............Who Am I ?

I started out calmly, tracing my tree,
To find if I could find the makings of me.
And all that I had was Great-grandfather's name,
Not knowing his wife or from where he came.

I chased him across a long line of states,
And came up with pages and pages of dates.
When all put together, it made me forlorn,
Proved poor Great-grandpa had never been born.

One day I was sure the truth I had found,
Determined to turn this whole thing upside down.
I looked up the record of one Uncle John,
But then I found the old man to be younger than his son.

Then when my hopes were fast growing dim,
I came across records that must have been him.
The facts I collected made me quite sad,
Dear old Great grandfather was never a Dad.

I think someone is pulling my leg,
I am not at all sure I wasn't hatched from an egg.
After hundreds of dollars I've spent on my tree,
I can't help but wonder if I'm really me..

.....Found on Roots-L, author unknown
 
 

My New Spell Checker
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin not sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight for it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
nd eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
####
 


ROYAL AND NOBLE LINKS: LITTLE KNOWN KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE.

We've all heard of Sir Lancelot and Sir Gawain from the days of
Camelot. However, there were a number of other lesser-known
knights needed to run the kingdom. Here are a few of them:


No Footprints on the Sands of Time
OR
Oh,for a court record on gggggggrandpa

It's nice to come from gentle folk
Who wouldn't stoop to brawl
Who never took a lusty poke
At anyone at all.
Who never raised a raucous shout
At any country inn
Or calmed an ugly fellow lout
With a belaying pin.
Who never shot a revenuer
Hunting for the still
Who never rustled cattle,who're
Pleased with uncle's will.
Who lived their lives out as they ought,
With no uncouth distractions,
And shunned like leprosy the thought
Of taking legal action.
It's nice to come from gentle folk
Who've never known disgrace,
But oh,though scandal is no joke
It's easier to trace!

By Virginia Scott Miner, Saturday Evening Post November 22,1941

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TAKING GENEALOGY TOO SERIOUSLY IF ...

  1. - You are the only person to show up at the cemetery research party with a shovel.
  2. - To put the "final touches" on your genealogical research, you've asked all of your closest relatives to provide DNA samples.
  3. - You were instrumental in having "non-genealogical use of the genealogy room copy machine" classified as a federal hate crime.
  4. - Your house leans slightly toward the side where your genealogical records are stored.
  5. - You decided to take a two-week break from genealogy, and the U.S. Postal Office immediately laid off 1,500 employees.
  6. - Out of respect for your best friend's unquestioned reputation for honesty and integrity, you are willing to turn off that noisy surveillance camera while she reviews your 57 genealogical research notebooks in your home. The armed security guard, however, will remain.
  7. - You plod merrily along "refining" your recently published family history, blissfully unaware that the number of errata pages now far exceeds the number of pages in your original publication.
  8. - During an ice storm and power outage, you ignore the pleas of your shivering spouse and place your last quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George.
  9. - The most recent document in your "Missing Ancestors" file is a 36- page contract between you and Johnson Billboard Advertising Company.
  10. - Ed McMahon, several t.v. cameras and an envelope from Publishers Clearing House arrive at your front door on Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing you say is, "Are you related to the McMahons of Ohio?"
  11. - "A Loving Family" and "Financial Security" have moved up to second and third, respectively, on your list of life's goals, but still lag far behind "Owning My Own Microfilm Reader."
  12. - A magical genie appears and agrees to grant your any one wish, and you ask that the 1890 census be restored.


~~~~~~

These questions are from actual correspondence received by the LDS Family History Library in Salt Lake City:

~~ Our 2nd great-grandfather was found dead crossing the plains in the library.
** He was married 3 times in the endowment house and has 21 children.
~~ For running down Wheelers, I will send $3 more.
** He and his daughter are listed as not being born.
~~ I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead relatives or ancestors in my family.
** Will you send me a list of all the Dripps in your library?
~~ My grandfather died at age 3.
** We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.
~~ Documentation: Family Bible in possession of Aunt Merle until tornado hit Topeka, Kansas, now only the Good Lord knows where it is....
** The wife of #22 could not be found; I have worked on her for 30 years without success; now see what you can do.
~~ I have a hard time finding myself in London; if I was there I was very small and cannot be found.
** This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find; if you know who they are, please add them to the list.
~~ We lost our grandmother. Will you please send us a copy?
** Will you please send me the name of my first wife. I have forgotten her name.
~~ A 14 year old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do research for me. Will you please send me all the material on the Welch line in the U.S., England, and Scotland countries? I will do the research."
** Further research will be necessary to eliminate one of my parents.

 


Genealogy One-Liners


~~~ FAMOUS TOMBSTONES, Part I ~~~

A play on names in Ruidoso, New Mexico:

Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me for not rising.

Memory of an accident in Uniontown, Pennsylvania:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas, Instead of the brake.

Weller's Cemetery in Thurmont, Maryland:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a Georgia cemetery:

"I told you I was sick!"

Lester Moore, Boot Hill Cemetery, 1880's, Tombstone, Arizona

Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les No More.

Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young.

- Compiled by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com


The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.


A Better Way to Spell

The European Commission on the European Unification (EU) just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room
for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that wouldbe known as "EuroEnglish."

1. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters.

2. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

3. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they should go away.

4. By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v." During ze fif year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinazuns of leters.

5. After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a veri sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu unerstan ech ozer.

* * * * *

Geneology Pox

WARNING: Very Contagious to Adults!!

Symptoms: Continual complaint as to need for names, dates, and places. Patient has blank expression,
some times deaf to spouse and children and grandchildren. Has no taste for work of any kind except
feverishly looking through records at libraries and court houses.

Has compulsion to write letters. Swears at mailman when he doesn't leave mail. Frequents strange
places, such as cemeteries, ruins, and remote desolate country areas. Makes secret night calls. Hides
phone bill from spouse. Mumbles to self. Has strange faraway look in eyes.

NO KNOWN CURE: Medication is useless Disease is not fatal but gets progressively worse. Patient
should attend genealogy work-shops, subscribe to genealogy magazines and be given a quiet corner in the
house where they can be alone.

REMARKS: The usual nature of this disease is "The Sicker the patient gets, the more they enjoy it".


*************

Names are not always

What they seem.

The common Welsh

Name Bzjxxllwcp is

Pronounced Jackson.

-- Mark Twain

******************
THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE

After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother........................Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt...............................Verti Gogh

His brother at the Bay of Pigs ............. No Gogh

His uncle the Israeli astronaut ............ Itza Gogh

His cousin who's a priest ................. Alter E. Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia..............U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white...Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois.......... ..........Chica Gogh

His magician Uncle...........................Where diddyGogh

His Mexican cousin...........................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother...Green Gogh

The nephew who drove a stagecoach ...........WellsfarGogh

The ballroom dancing aunt....................Tan Gogh

The birdlover uncle..........................Flamin Gogh

His nephew the psychoanalyst.................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin......................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking.........Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew.....................Po Gogh

A sister who loved disco.....................Go Gogh

And his niece who travels in a van...........Winnie Bay Gogh

His race car driving brother.............Indy Gogh*

His sister with the blues................Indi Gogh*

His precision machinist uncle............Go No-Gogh

His Spanish dancing niece................Fandan Gogh

His five o'clock commuting nephew........Stopn Gogh

His well connected sister................Leg Gogh

His spendthrift cousin...................EzCome Ez Gogh

His jolly aunt...........................Merry Gogh

His longshoreman brother.................Car Gogh

His niece who married Mr. Kidder.........Mar Gogh

His sister Therefore, aka................Er Gogh

 

*Indy and Indi are twin brother and sister.

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