- sometimes, we just need to
laugh a little...
Here lies the body of
Who died through eating cherry
Her name was Smith not Mary
But Smith don't rhyme with cherry
* * * *
- Written by Brian
<firstname.lastname@example.org> Previously published by Julia
M. Case and Myra
- Vanderpool Gormley, CG, Missing Links,
Vol. 5, No. 39, 27 September 2000. RootsWeb:
- * * * *
Ahh...those old pioneer
I'm writing this slow cause I know
you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your
Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles
of home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the
address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them
for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts I
it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week,
three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send
you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the
mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the
We got a bill from the funeral
home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral,
up she comes.
About your father, he has a lovely
new job. He has over 500 men under him. He's cutting grass at the
About your sister, she had a baby
this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I
don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the
whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off
until he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three
Three of your friends went off the
bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back.
The driver got out. He rolled the window down and swam to safety. The
other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much more news this time,
nothin' much happened, Write more often.
P.S. Was going to send some money,
but the envelop was sealed.
A Poem For Those Over
author unknown--contributed by Bill
and Norma Dalton
- A computer was
something on TV
- From a science fiction
show of note
- A window was something
you hated to clean
- And ram was the cousin
of a goat.
- Meg was the name of
- And gig was a job for
- Now they all mean
- And that really mega
- An application was for
- A program was a TV
- A cursor used
- A keyboard was a
- Memory was something
that you lost with age
- A CD was a bank
- And if you had a 3-in.
- You hoped nobody found
- Compress was something
you did to the garbage
- Not something you did
to a file
- And if you unzipped
anything in public
- You'd be in jail for a
- Log on was adding wood
to the fire
- Hard drive was a long
trip on the road
- A mouse pad was where
a mouse lived
- And a backup happened
to your commode.
- Cut you did with a
- Paste you did with
- A web was a spider's
- And a virus was the
- I guess I'll stick to
my pad and paper
- And the memory in my
- I hear nobody's been
killed in a computer crash
- But when it happens
they wish they were dead.
(original poem by Wayne
- Alas, my elusive kinsman
You've led me quite a chase
- I thought I'd found your
- But the Yankees burned the
- You always kept your bags
- Although you had no fame,
- Just for the fun of it
- Twice you changed your
- You never owed any man,
- At least I found no bills
- In spite of eleven
- You never left a will.
- They say our name's from
- Came state side on a ship
- Either they lost the passenger
- Or granddad gave them the
- I'm the only one looking
- Another searcher I can't
- I pray (maybe that's his fathers
- As I go out of my mind.
- They said you had a
- In a shady plot
- I've been there twenty times,
- Can't even find the lot.
- You never wrote a letter
- Your Bible we can't find
- It's probably in some
- Out of sight and out of
- You first married a
- And just to set the tone
- The other four were
- And everyone a Jones.
- You cost me two fortunes
- One of which I did not
- My wife, my house and
- God, how I miss that yellow
- But somewhere you slipped
- Ole Boy, Somewhere you left a
- And if I don't find you this
- Well...... Next year I'll be
- The Name Game
- A researcher writes: "When
searching for the surname LIZER, I
- encounter three sisters:
Ana, Breatha, and
- exhaustive research, I cannot
find the link between their family
- and my grandfather,
- Played Five Aces,
- Now Playing the Harp
- (from Boot Hill
Cemetery, Dodge City, Kansas)
- Sacred to the Remains
- A Pious Christian
- - -
- His Disconsolate
- Continues to Carry
- His Grocery
- At the Old Stand
- Main Street:
- and Best Prices in
- Here Lies the
- Of Our Dear
- Done to Death
- By a Banana:
- It Wasn't the
- That Dealt the
- But the Skin of the
- That Laid Her
the Green Memory of
- William Hawkins
- Planted Here
Love and Care
- Grieving Colleagues
For those interested in
reading more epitaphs, visit "The Epitaph Browser" at:
* * * * * *
- One Way to Handle
Those "Problem" Ancestors
- The Smiths were proud
of their family story. Their ancestors had come to America on the
- The family tree
included Senators as well as Wall Street millionaires.
- They decided to
compile a family history as a legacy for their children and
- But as they gathered
facts, a huge problem arose.
- How could they
possibly include that unwanted information about great-uncle
George, who had been
- EXECUTED IN THE
- They hired a
professional writer, who told them, "NO PROBLEM".
- He promised to handle
the story tactfully. And so he did.
- The book was
published, and here's what it said about Uncle George:
- "Great-Uncle George
occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government
- He was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and indeed his death came as a
- * * * * *
MORE NOTES FROM THE FAMILY HISTORY
~~ To the FHC, enclosed, please find
my grandmother. I have worked on her for 50 years without
success. Now see what you can do.
- ** I've looked for grandpa for over
20 years. Do you have him in your library?
- ~~ I am sorry we do not have complete
families. The trouble here is extracting the children from the
- ** For
Sale: We have an antique desk
just right for genealogy work and a lady, with thick legs, and
You Know You're An Addicted
- When you brake for
- When you get locked in
the library overnight and you never even notice
- When you
hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery
- If you'd rather browse
in a cemetery than a shopping mall
- When you think every
home should have a microfilm reader
- If you'd rather read
census schedules than a good book
- When you know the town
clerk in every county by name
- If town clerks lock
the door when they see you coming
- When you're more
interested in what happened in 1797 than 1997
- If you store clothing
under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks
- If you can pinpoint
Kirkcaldy and Inverness on a map but you're still not sure if
Whitehorse is in the Yukon or Washington in DC
- When all your
correspondence begins "Dear Cousin"
- If you've traced your
ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it fully documented,
and still don't want to quit.
DID YOU KNOW? ...From a
newspaper clipping (with, of course, no date or source) :-)
- by June Logue,
- We are survivors! The
definition of a survivor is anyone born before 1945.
- We were born before credit
cards, television, frozen foods, plastics, contact lenses,
frisbees, and the pill.
- We were before pantyhose,
house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual careers and
- We never heard of FM radios,
tape decks, artificial hearts, yogurt and guys wearing
- We got married first and then
- And having a meaningful
relationship meant getting along well with our cousins.
- How quaint can you be?
- In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant
junk, and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your
- In our day, cigarette smoking
was fashionable, grass was mowed,
- Coke was a cold drink and pot
was something you cooked in.
- Rock music was Grandma's
lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the principal's office.
- We hit the scene when you
bought things for five and ten cents in the dime store.
- For one nickel, you could make
a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail one letter and
two post cards.
- You could buy a new Chevy
coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
- A pity, too, because gas was
11 cents a gallon.
- We certainly were not before
the differences between the sexes were discovered,
- But we surely were before the
- We made do with what we
- And we were the last
generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to
have a baby.
- DO YOU
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with
colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that
5. Coffee shops with tableside
6. Home milk delivery in glass
bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a
word prefix (Olive - 6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
- > >
- > >
- If you remembered 0-5 You're
- If you remembered 6-10 You are
- If you remembered 11-15 Don't
tell your age
- If you remembered 16-25 You're
older than dirt!
- ...contributed by Anna
~~ Corresponding by e-mail?
Making the rounds are these brief codes that could be added to the
subject line of a reply.
- (CAAHINAATYQ) Cheap Attempt
At Humor Included, Not an Answer to Your Question
- (RITAI) Real intelligent,
thoughtful answer included
- (GIUITH) Give it up, it's
- (WWHBYMHY) We won't help
because you might hurt yourself
- (YBICI) You blew it,
- (GALL) Get a life,
- (DPI) Danger, pun
- (OTBIFCTST) Off topic, but
I feel compelled to say this
- (SCI) Spelling corrections
- (DROAPNI) Derogatory
remarks of a personal nature included
- (TIACATAL) This is a cheap
attempt to appear literate
- (AIBNTYQ) Answer included,
but not to your question
- (WDDHST) We don't do
homework, so there
- (IDRKBIAA) I don't really
know, but I'll answer anyway
- (DITWS) Do it this way,
- (WDYWTDTA) Why do you want
to do that, anyway
- (ASTLMIR) Answer space too
large, more information required
- (JPTGMNITT) Just posting to
get my name in this thread
- (CAOFMOB) Contains an
apology for my offensive behavior
- (MPAWABLOS) My previous
answer was affected by lack of sleep
- (ICIULRI) "I'm cool, I use
Linux" remarks included
- (THIAFSF) This is a request
for something free
- (IRTCMA) I refuse to code
- * * * * *
..............Who Am I ?
- I started out calmly, tracing
- To find if I could find the
makings of me.
- And all that I had was
- Not knowing his wife or from
where he came.
I chased him across a long line of states,
- And came up with pages and
pages of dates.
- When all put together, it made
- Proved poor Great-grandpa had
never been born.
- One day I was sure the truth I
- Determined to turn this whole
thing upside down.
- I looked up the record of one
- But then I found the old man
to be younger than his son.
- Then when my hopes were fast
- I came across records that
must have been him.
- The facts I collected made me
- Dear old Great grandfather was
never a Dad.
- I think someone is pulling my
- I am not at all sure I wasn't
hatched from an egg.
- After hundreds of dollars I've
spent on my tree,
- I can't help but wonder if I'm
- .....Found on Roots-L, author
- My New Spell
- Eye halve a spelling
- It came with my pea
- It plainly marques
four my revue
- Miss steaks eye kin
- Eye strike a key and
type a word
- And weight for it two
- Weather eye am wrong
- It shows me strait a
- As soon as a mist ache
- It nose bee fore two
- nd eye can put the
- Its rare lea ever
- Eye have run this poem
- I am shore your
pleased two no
- Its letter perfect awl
- My chequer tolled me
ROYAL AND NOBLE LINKS:
LITTLE KNOWN KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE.
We've all heard of Sir
Lancelot and Sir Gawain from the days of
Camelot. However, there were a number of other lesser-known
knights needed to run the kingdom. Here are a few of them:
- Sir Charge . . . Royal
mail order clerk
- Sir Lee . . . Royal
- Sir Loin . . . Royal
- Sir Mise . . . Royal
- Sir Mount . . . Royal
- Sir Plus . . . Royal
- Sir Press . . . Royal
- Sir Prize . . . Royal
- Sir Render . . . Royal
- Sir Round . . . Royal
- Sir Vey . . . Royal
- Sir Vive . . . Royal
No Footprints on the
Sands of Time
Oh,for a court record on
It's nice to come from
Who wouldn't stoop to brawl
Who never took a lusty poke
At anyone at all.
Who never raised a raucous shout
At any country inn
Or calmed an ugly fellow lout
With a belaying pin.
Who never shot a revenuer
Hunting for the still
Who never rustled cattle,who're
Pleased with uncle's will.
Who lived their lives out as they ought,
With no uncouth distractions,
And shunned like leprosy the thought
Of taking legal action.
It's nice to come from gentle folk
Who've never known disgrace,
But oh,though scandal is no joke
It's easier to trace!
By Virginia Scott
Miner, Saturday Evening Post November 22,1941
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TAKING GENEALOGY
TOO SERIOUSLY IF ...
- - You are the only person to show up at
the cemetery research party with a shovel.
- - To put the "final touches" on your
genealogical research, you've asked all of your closest relatives
to provide DNA samples.
- - You were instrumental in having
"non-genealogical use of the genealogy room copy machine"
classified as a federal hate crime.
- - Your house leans slightly toward the
side where your genealogical records are stored.
- - You decided to take a two-week break
from genealogy, and the U.S. Postal Office immediately laid off
- - Out of respect for your best friend's
unquestioned reputation for honesty and integrity, you are willing
to turn off that noisy surveillance camera while she reviews your
57 genealogical research notebooks in your home. The armed
security guard, however, will remain.
- - You plod merrily along "refining" your
recently published family history, blissfully unaware that the
number of errata pages now far exceeds the number of pages in your
- - During an ice storm and power outage,
you ignore the pleas of your shivering spouse and place your last
quilt around that 1886 photograph of dear Uncle George.
- - The most recent document in your
"Missing Ancestors" file is a 36- page contract between you and
Johnson Billboard Advertising Company.
- - Ed McMahon, several t.v. cameras and
an envelope from Publishers Clearing House arrive at your front
door on Super Bowl Sunday, and the first thing you say is, "Are
you related to the McMahons of Ohio?"
- - "A Loving Family" and "Financial
Security" have moved up to second and third, respectively, on your
list of life's goals, but still lag far behind "Owning My Own
- - A magical genie appears and agrees to
grant your any one wish, and you ask that the 1890 census be
These questions are from actual correspondence
received by the LDS Family History Library in Salt Lake
- ~~ Our 2nd great-grandfather was found
dead crossing the plains in the library.
** He was married 3 times in the endowment house and has 21
~~ For running down Wheelers, I will send $3 more.
** He and his daughter are listed as not being born.
~~ I would like to find out if I have any living relatives or dead
relatives or ancestors in my family.
** Will you send me a list of all the Dripps in your library?
~~ My grandfather died at age 3.
** We are sending you 5 children in a separate envelope.
~~ Documentation: Family Bible in possession of Aunt Merle until
tornado hit Topeka, Kansas, now only the Good Lord knows where it
** The wife of #22 could not be found; I have worked on her for 30
years without success; now see what you can do.
~~ I have a hard time finding myself in London; if I was there I
was very small and cannot be found.
** This family had 7 nephews that I am unable to find; if you know
who they are, please add them to the list.
~~ We lost our grandmother. Will you please send us a copy?
** Will you please send me the name of my first wife. I have
forgotten her name.
~~ A 14 year old boy wrote: "I do not want you to do research for
me. Will you please send me all the material on the Welch line in
the U.S., England, and Scotland countries? I will do the
** Further research will be necessary to eliminate one of my
- My family coat of arms ties at
the back....is that normal?
- My family tree is a few branches
short! All help appreciated
- My ancestors must be in a
witness protection program!
- Shake your family tree and watch
the nuts fall!
- My hobby is genealogy, I raise
dust bunnies as pets.
- How can one ancestor cause so
- I looked into my family tree and
found out I was a sap..
- I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally
- I'm searching for myself; Have
you seen me ?
- If only people came with
pull-down menus and on-line help...
- Isn't genealogy fun? The answer
to one problem, leads to two more!
- It's 1999... Do you know where
- A family reunion is an effective
form of birth control
- A family tree can wither if
nobody tends it's roots
- A new cousin a day keeps the
- After 30 days, unclaimed
ancestors will be adopted
- Am I the only person up my
tree... sure seems like it
- Any family tree produces some
lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples
- Ever find an ancestor HANGING
from the family tree?
- FLOOR: The place for storing
your priceless genealogy records.
- Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious
disease, but I love it
- Genealogists are time
- Genealogy is like playing hide
and seek: They hide... I seek!
- Genealogy: Tracing yourself back
to better people
- "Crazy" is a relative term in my
- A pack rat is hard to live with,
but makes a fine ancestor
- I want to find ALL of them! So
far I only have a few thousand
- I Should have asked them BEFORE
- I think my ancestors had several
"Bad heir" days
- I'm always late. My ancestors
arrived on the JUNEflower
- Only a Genealogist regards a
step backwards, as progress
- Share your knowledge, it is a
way to achieve immortality
- Heredity: Everyone believes in
it until their children act like fools!
- It's an unusual family that hath
neither a lady of the evening nor a thief.
- Many a family tree needs
- Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm
- Snobs talk as if they had
begotten their own ancestors!
- That's strange: half my
ancestors are WOMEN!
- I'm not sick, I've just got
- Genealogists live in the past
- Cousins marrying cousins: Very
- Cousins marrying cousins: A
non-branching family tree
- Alright! Everybody out of the
- Always willing to share my
- Documentation...The hardest part
- Genealogy: Chasing your own
- Genealogy...will I ever find
time to mow the lawn again?
- That's the problem with the gene
pool: NO Lifeguards
- I researched my family tree...
and apparently I don't exist!
- SO MANY
ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME!
~~~ FAMOUS TOMBSTONES, Part I
A play on names in Ruidoso, New
Here lies Johnny Yeast
Pardon me for not rising.
Memory of an accident in Uniontown,
Here lies the body of Jonathan
Stepped on the gas, Instead of the brake.
Weller's Cemetery in Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
In a Georgia cemetery:
"I told you I was sick!"
Lester Moore, Boot Hill Cemetery, 1880's,
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a 44
No Les No More.
Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery,
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
The Good Die Young.
- Compiled by email@example.com
God, grant me the Senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.
A Better Way to
The European Commission on the European
Unification (EU) just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that
English spelling had some room
for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that
wouldbe known as "EuroEnglish."
1. In the first year, "s" will replace the
soft "c." Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump
with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k." This should
konfusion and keyboards kan have less letters.
2. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced
with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
3. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always
ben a deterent
to akurate speling. Also,
al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent
"e"'s in the language is disgrasful, and they
should go away.
4. By the 4th year, peopl wil be
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v." During ze
fif year, ze unesesary "o"
be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and similar changes
of kors be aplid to
ozer kombinazuns of leters.
5. After ze
fifz yer, ve vil hav a veri sensibl riten styl.
be no mor trubls or difikultis and
evrivun vil find it ezi tu unerstan
* * * * *
WARNING: Very Contagious to Adults!!
Symptoms: Continual complaint as to need for
names, dates, and places. Patient has blank expression,
some times deaf to spouse and children and grandchildren. Has no
taste for work of any kind except
feverishly looking through records at libraries and court
Has compulsion to write letters. Swears at
mailman when he doesn't leave mail. Frequents strange
places, such as cemeteries, ruins, and remote desolate country areas.
Makes secret night calls. Hides
phone bill from spouse. Mumbles to self. Has strange faraway look in
NO KNOWN CURE: Medication is useless Disease
is not fatal but gets progressively worse. Patient
should attend genealogy work-shops, subscribe to genealogy magazines
and be given a quiet corner in the
house where they can be alone.
REMARKS: The usual nature of this disease is
"The Sicker the patient gets, the more they enjoy it".
Names are not always
What they seem.
The common Welsh
Name Bzjxxllwcp is
-- Mark Twain
THE VAN GOGH FAMILY TREE
His brother at the Bay of Pigs
............. No Gogh
His uncle the Israeli astronaut
............ Itza Gogh
His cousin who's a priest
................. Alter E. Gogh
The grandfather from
The brother who bleached his clothes
The cousin from Illinois..........
The Mexican cousin's American
The nephew who drove a stagecoach
The ballroom dancing
His nephew the
The fruit loving
An aunt who taught positive
The little bouncy
A sister who loved
And his niece who travels in a
van...........Winnie Bay Gogh
His race car driving
His sister with the
His precision machinist
His Spanish dancing
His five o'clock commuting
His well connected
cousin...................EzCome Ez Gogh
His niece who married Mr.
His sister Therefore,
*Indy and Indi are twin brother and
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Last update: Sunday, 03-Dec-2000 20:11:19 MST
- After much careful research it
has been discovered that the
- artist Vincent Van Gogh had many
relatives. Among them were: