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Matagorda County Tribune

Collegeport Articles

January, 1928

Thoughts Teaching Squeeze to Drink

By Harry Austin Clapp

[Collegeport information was abstracted from the longer article which included the experience teaching a calf to drink--thus the title.]

Hattie [Kundinger] circulating a road petition, or I might say a partition, for by means of it she separates the goats from the sheep.

Hugo [Kundinger] selling denatured alcohol for radiators. The thought comes that if he could eliminate the "de" from one end and substitute "al" for the "ed" on the other end he could work up a lively and profitable business.

Dr. Van Wormer operated on a beautiful young lady for appendicitis and the young lady said, "Doctor, do you think the scar will show?" Doctor replied, "It ought not to."

Is there anything in the world sweeter than a new-born babe, I know it not. Fresh from God that giveth all life, delivered through he hands of angels to the loving earthly mother, sinless, stainless, free from passion and guile, just a bundle of treasure to love. Such a one came Tuesday, January 3rd, 1928, to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Eisel. Its name is Harry Louis Eisel, Jr., and Elizabeth is the proud possessor of a little brother. Here's hoping it will grow into as fine a boy as Elizabeth is a girl.

"Behold my Lords,

Although the print be little, the whole matter

And copy of the father; eye, nose, lip,

The trick of his frown, his forehead; nay, the valley

The pretty dimples of his chin, and cheek; his smiles;

The very mould and frame of hand, nail, finger,"

Winters Tale--Shakespeare.

 "O, 'tis a parlous boy;
Bold, quick, ingenious, forward, capable;
He is all the mother's from the top to toe."
Richard III--Shakespeare.

Ora [Chapin] is back again with her pigs. They have guinead until she now has twelve. Shipped one car lot of one whole pig.

The booklet written by Doctor Harkey, issued by the Bay City Chamber of Commerce and printed at the Tribune shop reflects credit on the author, for it is a safe, sane, conservative statement of conditions in this county. It bears out the good reputation of the Chamber of Commerce. It is printed on excellent paper, a paper that gives one a pleasure to handle and as an example of the printers art it could not be equaled at any shop or by any craftsmen. I had one, but sent it north to an inquirer. Disliked to part with it for I like fine printing, but I hope the good Doc will read this and send me two or three more--one for my files and the others for distribution. Am waiting, Doc.

Thinking of taking a trip to San Antonio, asked the local agent about the price of berths and he said "the lower is higher than the upper. Take your choice, but most people take a lower even though it comes higher. When you take an upper you have to get up to go to bed, and down when you get up. The upper is lower than the lower, because it is higher, and--" Am I glad that I understand all about it.

Isn't life strange? Isn't life wonderful? Isn't it past our feeble understanding the way God plans our existence? Here is an instance of His sending joy Tuesday to the Eisel family with the birth of the only boy and then the next day He sends sorrow to the Nelson and Braden families in the death of the mother, Mrs. Shuey. Only Saturday I talked with her at the community dinner and wished her many more Happy New Years. A fine wife, a devoted mother, a splendid character, the world is better for having her in it. Everybody loved Grandma Shuey and she in turn loved everybody. Her crossing of the river came suddenly. She had little warning, but she, like the Christian that she was, was ready for the crossing. The boatman had little time to wait and the journey was short, and now we can be sure that she is with her fathers safe on the other side. Requiescat in pace.

"So when the Angel of the darker Drink

At last shall find you by the river-brink,

And, offering his cup, invite your Soul

Forth to your Lips to quaff--you shall not shirk.

 Why, if the Soul can fling the Dust aside,

And naked on the Air of Heaven ride,

Were't not a shame--were't not a shame for him.

In this clay carcass crippled to abide."


After recording the passing of this beautiful character it seems almost sacrilege to record the very, very common things happening in this community but--


"The Moving Finger writes: and having writ,

Moves on; nor all of your Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,

Nor all your tears wash out a word of it."


The Texas University examined 1,201 students in English grammar, rhetoric and composition and only 21 made a grade of 90 or better. Four hundred and nine couldn't make a grade of 60. The institution is going to take up with high schools a proposal to remedy this condition. Hope they begin with the pupils of Bay View consolidated high school, for their language as heard wherever they gather is awful, appalling, horrible, frightful, direful, terrible, if you understand what I mean. Heard one of the tenth grade say, "I hain't never saw her since." Wonder how a teacher can listen to such murderous English and remain silent.

Paul Poiret, Paris couturier, says, "why dress both legs alike?" As a result Deauville had an outburst of legs displaying contrasting stockings. Paul should visit Collegeport.

Then comes Mrs. Christine Frederick who declares "the woman of today is no longer a cook. She's a can opener." Wonder which is right? Judging from some of the back yards, Mrs. Frederick said a truth.

Wonder how many of us ever think of Matagorda county as a little nation all by itself. It's true in the last analysis and we have some problems to solve that are ours alone. Some of our problems are the same as other counties, the State, the Nation are obliged to solve but we have our own. Here is where the Matagorda County Development Association can do a great work by holding monthly meetings to which every one is invited, whether he be a member or not. Make these meetings open forums and discuss the problems that confront the people of the county. After all is said, most National problems begin in the county organization and such meetings will be able to point the way to a solution of what otherwise might be vexacious.

If E. E. Wood offered a dairy ration costing thirty-five cents per pound, how much would he sell? Yet the cow milkers all over the State are feeding butter fat worth that much money to young calves.

A woman reader writes to ask "how in the world do you think up the titles of your thoughts?" Titles are easy. It's the dilution, the writing of the slum that taxes at times. My column is not as easy as cracking crackers.

The Daily Tribune, January 10, 1928

Thoughts About Nose Trouble

By Harry Austin Clapp

The title of these thoughts was suggested by Hugo Kundinger and criticism should be addressed to him and not to me. Inquisitiveness is only a polite term for "nose trouble," the desire to nose into other people's business. Webster defines it as "disposed to ask questions, especially in matters that do not concern the inquirer."

"(We) curious are to hear what happens."--Milton

"Nor need we with a prying eye survey
The distant skies to find the milky way."--Creech.

Well, anyway, the delayed mail came in Saturday night and all the burghers were loaded up with parcels, letters and papers, I had enough of the latter to keep me busy for two days.

For the benefit of my Springfield readers will say that the five-gallon hat, worn by Adna E. Phelps, while he was in that city, is the exception and not the rule in these parts. Adna just wished to show them that he had been down in the wild and wooly South and mixed up with the gun-toting cow boys. Even with that Adna is all right, and I predict good success for him in the fig orchards the coming season. He is what I believe to be a dependable sort of cuss. Glad he has returned for I can once more read the Beacon and gain some new inspiration.

Here is some advice to a certain young fellow: If you want to win her, loosen up. Take her out. She can use the cat for a fireside companion. I might add, buy her one of those sodelicious drinks that Hugo shakes up.

Wonder if Tetts sent Tom Fulcher one of those beautiful maidens which adorns his calendars. Guess he does not read this column.

They say, and now before I go farther remember, I start with "they say." Anway, they say that John Merck, finding his radiator dry and no water handy, filled it with milk and then was obliged to dig out the butter. It may not be true, but they say it is.

Oscar Barber down here making his regular before-election calls and wearing his usual charming, enchanting, fascinating, winning, pleasing smile. Oscar always wears it and I know that when his time comes his face will still smile in the face of the boatman. His smile won my vote, and, of course, that of the miserable wretch, for she votes as I dictate.

Four years ago, Joe Mangum visited me for an hour, but that was the last time. Have met him on the streets several times but he did not know me. If Joe wants two good votes, he better make us another visit. There are other fellows we may vote for. There is one fine thing about this electioneering, and that is, that, as a usual thing, applicants for office are glad to see the "rabble" once very two years. We must vote for Mrs. Pollard for we received a definite order from San Antonio and dare not disobey. As to the balance of the ticket it depends on whether we are visited or not. Oh, yes, we will vote for friend George [Harrison], for we believe that he has been of more benefit to this side of the bay than any commissioner we have ever had. This makes George perfectly safe. No cigars or cold drinks necessary, although the miserable wretch dotes on the peanut candy Hugo offers for sale.

The King's Daughters met with Mrs. Liggett Thursday and suffering tripe, how I wish that time would turn back in its flight and make me a daughter. Eats? Yum, yum! Could smell those Nelson noodles a mile and that Wright fried chicken and all the other things they served. L. E. Liggett was a lucky dog to be at home. Wish they would organize a King's Sons auxiliary.

One of our young matrons has turned snake charmer. Of course in doing this she loses some of her ability to charm men. She has taken on a pet snake of a brilliant green color, which indicates that it is of a poisonous and dangerous variety. Of course, as this column aims to state the truth, when it does not do otherwise, I must say that the snake is not a real live one, although it wriggles and squirms, but this lady seems to enjoy much sport with it as the snake frightens people into spasms. For me, give me a "running nose," for 'tis much more humorous, provided it runs well.

Cecil McNeil is the busiest man in town. He not only operates the Bachman store, fires up and delivers the engine to the waiting crew, but works over autos in his spare time.

Thursday night, the 26th, the League will meet in regular session and entertainment will be provided by Mesdames Chiles, Corse and Clapp. The League is still doing little things like buying stoves, soup bowls, etc.

A Chicago reader has written a letter to the Miserable Wretch and I will comment on it next week.

Wonder what I'll think about.

Looks as though Zack had gone out of the cracker business.

The Daily Tribune, January 21, 1928


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