Cat Haiku
For all of you who sleep with a cat or two, you'll undestand.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
Elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand
New rule tomorrow
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere
Will find in morning
Grace personified,
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds-
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws?
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake dead.
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp ...
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!"
Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink.
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, FRIENDS - T-Bug
Donated by Barbara Johnson
Garfield's Law: Cats instinctively know the precise moment their
owners will awaken ... then they awaken them ten minutes sooner.
-- Jim Davis
I'm used to dogs. When you leave them in the morning, they stick their
nose in the door crack and stand there like a portrait until you turn the
key eight hours later. A cat would never put up with that kind of rejection.
When you returned, she'd stalk you until you dozed off and then suck the
air out of your body. -- Erma Bombeck
It is said that cats are untrainable. That is not totally accurate.
appearances to the contrary, cats do pay attention to the instructions
they receive. They listen closely to what you have to say and sometimes
even wait for you to finish your sentence. They understand plain English
as well as anybody. How else would it be possible for them to so uncannily
do just the opposite? -- Stephen Baker
A lady lost her cat, and took the cat in a little casket up to a big
church and said, 'I want you to bury my cat.' And they run her off. She
went to another church, and they run her off. She took the cat to a Baptist
church on the edge of town, and told the preacher she couldn't find
anybody to hold a service for her dead cat. And the man talked to her bad.
'How dare you think that we bury cats?'
She said, 'Well, I'm frustrated and I'm prepared to give two thousand
dollars to whoever gives a service for my cat.' And the preacher said,
'Lady, why didn't you tell me your cat was a Baptist?'
-- Jerry Clower
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. --
W. C. Fields
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. --
Garrison Keillor
We have two cats. They're my wife's cats, Mischa and Alex. You can tell a
woman names a cat like this. Women always have sensitive names: Muffy,
Fluffy, Buffy. Guys name cats things like Tuna Breath, Fur Face, Meow
Head. They're nice cats. They've been neutered and they've been declawed.
So they're like pillows that eat. --Larry Reeb
Cats sit in laps because it's warm there. They don't care if it's you or the
radiator, so it certainly was a compliment when the owner said the cat
liked me. Who had this cat met that it was comparing me to? The maid?
Another cat? Here's an animal which can't read, that hasn't been out of
the house in God knows when, lives on free milk and garbage, and this bum
has an opinion? Two years old, doesn't have a cent. No clothes. Owns one
rotten rubber ball. For big entertainment it scratches on the upholstery.
And this green-eyed impoverished snob likes me? Thanks a group. -
- Henry Morgan
I saw a commercial the other day for cat food. It said, 'All natural food
for your cat.' All natural food. But cat food is made out of horsemeat.
That's how it works in nature--the cat right above the horse on the food
chain ... Matter of fact, every time my kitty feels a little cooped up
in his environment I take him down to the racetrack, let him stalk some prey.
-- Norm McDonald
A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a
mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector
does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows it's very old and very
valuable. So he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for
two dollars.
But the store owner says to him, 'I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.'
And the collector says, 'Please. I need a hungry old tomcat around the
house to catch mice. I'll give you ten dollars for him.'
And the owner says, 'Sold,' and takes the ten dollars. Then the collector says,
'Listen, I was wondering if, for the ten dollars, you might include that old
saucer. The cat seems to be used to it. It'll save me a dish.'
And the owner says, 'Sorry, buddy. That's my lucky saucer. So far this week,
I've sold sixty-eight cats!' -- Soupy Sales
I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he
enjoyed it. It was fun for me also. The fur would stick to my tongue,
but other than that ... -- Steve Martin
Bathing a Cat
Only cat people will find the following humorous.
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides
and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and
head for the bathtub:
-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very
small bathroom.
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were
about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat
can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician
can shift positions.)
-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet,
a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go outfox a
towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water.
Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make
sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the
water.
-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.
If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product testing experiment for J. C. Penney.)
-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt
him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, the problem is
radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to
give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free and callback into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national
record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this
point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now
the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally,
however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet.
If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to
encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the
tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.
Thanks to Jan Benner who contributed most of the CAT jokes...
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