DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good
for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Many thanks to Jenny Jensen for passing this on from her friends.
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late.
I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next
day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put
spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash,
ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the
floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into
the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a
note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out
from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and
stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her
purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and
trimmed her nails.
Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put
some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were
locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt,
threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still
doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for
tomorrow.
About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm
going to bed," and he did.
Thanks to Shelley Green for forwarding this to me...
There were two brothers who were national yodeling champions. One day their car broke
down out in the middle of nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would
have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at the house.
The two brothers had a way of communicating over several miles by yodeling to each other.
One particular yodel (ay-la-de-o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one
to run.
Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with his daughter. The next morning
the farmer was up before dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the
brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start counting, and if the guy
wasn't out of his sight by the count of 5 he would shoot him.
Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping over the fence when the
farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to warn his brother of impending doom, when the
farmer suddenly shot him.
The other brother came running out of his room and said, "What happened?"
The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my daughter and, although I gave him
a fair chance, before he was out of sight he yelled, 'I laid the old lady, too,' so
I shot him."
Thanks to Barbara Johnson for this donation.
A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE:
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Never drop yer gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.
A good horse never comes in a bad color.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...........
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but you might need to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men:
* The one that learns by reading.
* The few who learn by observation.
* The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
A special thanks to Joan Benner, who always keeps me in stiches...
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment Her
Cuddle Her
Kiss Her
Caress Her
Love Her
Stroke Her
Tease Her
Comfort Her
Protect Her
Hug Her
Hold Her
Spend Money on Her
Wine and Dine Her
Buy Tings for Her
Listen to Her
Care for Her
Stand by Her
Support Her
Go to the Ends of the Earth for Her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up Naked
Bring Food
I think the donor of this one will remain nameless... BUT, you know who you are, and I
thank you for making me laugh at the simplicity of life.
One beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away
on a dead Bald Eagle.
"Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence", said the Park Ranger.
The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.
In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat
the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
"I was so hungry" complained the defensive camper, "the Bald Eagle was the only food I
could find!" To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something
before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to
know: What did it taste like?"
The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl."
Obviously, this is NOT from one of my Animal Rights Activist Friends, but even Sierra
Club members can chuckle over this one.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed' the
black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross
the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross
the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross
the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who care why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to
ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the
place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is,
"Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste
to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way
that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken
depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with the chicken.
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