Military History Index
MILITARY HUMOR
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly
picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General,
I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime,
thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed
the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the
airman replied, "just here to hook up your telephone."
A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings:
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?"
The voice on the other end asked. "Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half dozen
half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of motorcycles, and fat-ass
Johnson's command jeep."
"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No sir."
"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"
"Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"Not yet!"
"That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"
A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting
with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk fell on the subject of
relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding
their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like
The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that
you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch,"
he tells them.
The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk
pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything,
the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" He replies,
"Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back a took a piss."
In the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the
best hunting dog ever, by the name of Co-pilot. Three city folks went
up in the mountains and wanted to rent him. "Good huntin dog,...gonna
cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with
the limit. The next year they came back. "Co-pilot got better, gonna
cost ya $75.00 a day." Again they agreed, and 2 days later came back with
the limit. The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they
had to have Co-pilot, even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the
worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." "But we
don't understand, what happened to him?" "Well, a crew from that there
air base in Okaloosa County Florida come up and rent him. One of them
idiots called him pilot, and he's been sitting on his ass barkin ever
since."
How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot......
What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.
Three Army soldiers were walking through the forest when they came upon a set
of tracks. The first soldier said "Those are deer tracks." The second
soldier said "No, those are elk tracks." The third soldier said "You're
both wrong, those are moose tracks." The soldiers were still arguing
when the train hit them.
A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They
were both just getting finished with their shaves-the barbers were
reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think
I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go
ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."
A fighter pilot, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible
shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After
being there awhile, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every
evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that
pig started looking better and better to the fighter pilot, so he leaned
toward it and put his arm around it. The dog became jealous and growled
fiercely at the fighter pilot, until he removed his arm from the pig. They
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in pretty bad shape
when they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to good health. When
she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm gentle
breeze; perfect for a night of romance. The fighter pilot started
getting those "ideas" again, so he leaned toward the girl and whispered in
her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Doing his Job!
A young sentry, on guard duty for the first time, had orders not to admit
any car unless it had a special identification seal. The first unmarked
car the sentry stopped contained a Brigadier General. When the officer
told his driver to go right on through, the sentry politely said, "I'm new
at this, sir. Who do I shoot first -- you or the driver?"
The following isn't funny, but might appreciate it. It was sent to me by an
individual who picked it up from an old, retired gunny.
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered to give
high school and college graduates a list of things he did not learn in school.
In his book he talks about how some of the liberal, feel-good, politically
correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
set them up for failure in the real world.
These are the RULES they should learn:
Rule 1
Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to
accomplish something before you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3
You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you *earn* both.
Rule 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't
have tenure.
Rule 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a
different word for burger-flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule 6
If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your
mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They
got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you
tell them how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from
the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the
closet in your own room.
Rule 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In
some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many
times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears no
resemblance to anything in real life.
Rule 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few
employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own
time.
Rule 10
Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave
the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Thanks to Kenneth Sympson
GI Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center,
where he advised new recruits about their government
benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling
insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the
back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new
recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle
and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay
$200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a
GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government
only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are
going to send into battle first?"
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Revised: --Thursday, 17-Feb-2005 15:07:19 MST
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